Christians should help everyone, right? We’re SUPPOSED to help where ever and whenever we can. To be Christ-like, we should want to serve. So, how could it possibly be bad to be a people-pleaser? As a lifelong people-pleaser, bordering on martyr, I thought that lifestyle would be pleasing to God. But, actually, are you pleasing God or people? “Hey, no judgment here, I’ll support and agree with every choice you make!”
Do you see how that thought process could cause some trouble? As humans, we are about as imperfect as it can get. We make mistakes. A whole lot of them. While judgment is bad and we should leave that to God, enabling bad behavior is also bad. It’s especially bad if we lose ourselves in the process. How can you be true to yourself if you’re always agreeing to keep the peace? This post is going to help you identify if you’re living the people-pleasing life or if you are true to the person God made you to be.
How to Distinguish if You’re Pleasing God or People
Since I’m still very much a work in progress in regards to my people-pleasing ways, I know I needed help with this post. I’m a recently born-again disciple of Jesus and still learning, which means I’m not qualified to talk about this on my own. So, I went to one of my new heroes, Joyce Meyer and found that she wrote an article about this very topic. While I’m going to go over some of it here, please read it. She is so wise and has a lot of great advice. I love Joyce because she talks about how she fell into the people-pleasing trap, which is amazing to me, because she sure doesn’t shy away from telling it like it is now!
Mrs. Meyer, for those that don’t know, is well known for her faith ministry. When talking about people-pleasing, she’s careful to say that avoiding this trap doesn’t mean we should be selfish. What she means by people-pleasing is that we let the need to be accepted guide our decisions. She says that this desire can be so strong that it’s like an addiction. So much so, that people-pleasers can become depressed or even angry when they feel someone doesn’t like them. Here are a couple of signs that you might be a people-pleaser.
Honesty
Mrs. Meyer says that you can gauge how much of a people-pleaser you are by your honesty. When you feel like you have to hide who you are to make people like you, you’re doing yourself, and possibly God, a disservice. When we pretend to agree with things that we know aren’t right, we’re doing that to make others happy or comfortable.
That’s not how God wants us to be. He wants us to be kind AND truthful. Think about it, are you pleasing God or people when you agree with how others are acting? That was a gut-punch to me because I know I’ve gone against my own beliefs before just to prevent a confrontation or risk someone, gasp, being upset with me!
Do you want to or do you feel you have to?
Mrs. Meyer asks if you’re doing things out of desire or duty? Of course, there are things we have to do no matter how much we don’t feel like it: housework, work, dentist appointments, etc. But, if we’re doing things just because we’re afraid of letting someone down, even if we’re dreading it, that could be a sign of people-pleasing.
Let’s say you have bowling night every single Friday. You honestly hate bowling. Your friend always drinks too much and makes an embarrassing scene. Also, the food is terrible. You’ve had a really tough week at work at what you really want to do is go home, get into some PJs and watch a movie with takeout. What do you do? The people-pleaser in you may already be grabbing the bowling bag you ended up buying.
Mrs. Meyer encourages us to find the balance that only God can guide us to. While you shouldn’t do things just because you’re afraid of how someone is going to react, we also should be respectful. If you know a friend is having a tough time, it’s important to be supportive, even if it means doing something you don’t particularly like. Loving and serving others is also loving Jesus, as long as we’re doing it to be more Christ-like instead of doing it just to win approval.
How to Break the People-Pleasing Cycle
You know I love a good soul-search. The first step in changing a behavior is to figure out why you feel the need to behave that way. Luckily for us, we have someone on our side who knows us better than we know ourselves. Mrs. Meyer suggests praying to God, asking Him to reveal your true motives if you’re unsure of them. If you find that you’re doing things simply to scratch your “approval” itch, don’t worry. You can change!
Start small
It’s really hard to stop people-pleasing because, not only are you used to it, but other people are, too. When people are used to you always agreeing with them, or getting you to do things for them, it might come as a shock the first time you disagree or say no to them. While it may surprise them, it isn’t going to hurt them, so don’t worry. Your first assignment in this new journey is to say no to something small.
“Hey, let’s go get a drink after work,” your annoying coworker says instead of asks.
“No thanks,” you say without apology or reason. Done! You did it! Mission accomplished!
You get the idea. Once you realize the world won’t implode if you say no once in a while, it’ll be easier to say no to bigger things. The more you say no, the more momentum you can gain and, soon enough, you’ll be spending more time on the things that are important to YOU!
Share your opinion honestly
This one is also hard but, let’s be honest, this whole process is hard. It will help to remember who you’re doing this for. God made you as you are, to have this incredible authenticity and uniqueness. He wants you to let the “real you” shine! There’s a reason you feel strongly about the things you do. Do you ever get angry when you see someone leave their shopping cart in the parking lot instead of putting it back in the cart corral? Or wearing shoes inside the house?
Think about what people do that infuriates or, at the very least, frustrates you. For me, I can’t stand when people are rude to waitstaff or cashiers. As a people-pleaser, I would quietly seethe while someone I was eating with would be rude to our server, especially when it was something they had no control over, like being out of a particular food. Maybe it’s because I’m a nurse and nurses are also frequently treated as subhuman at times. Or, maybe it’s because God wants me to stand up for those that are stuck dealing with mean people while they are underpaid, verbally (sometimes physically) abused, yet are still expected to be professional and polite at all times.
Give people honest advice
As a people-pleaser, when someone asks for advice, it can be easy to tell them what they want to hear, even if it’s terrible advice, “Hey, if you want to drink at the bar all night long and end up in someone’s hotel room, great! What a great way to meet your future spouse! YOLO!”
Hopefully no one would actually give that advice, but you get the idea.
God gave you your own unique wisdom so that you could guide people the way He wants you to. Again, it’s perfectly okay to start small. If someone asks you something that should be an obvious no, such as the story above, just say, “Hmm, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Get ready to lose "friends."
One of the hardest pills to swallow in this God pleasing or people-pleasing journey is that you’re going to find out who your real friends are. It can be painful to learn that you don’t have many, or any, real friends. When you’re a people-pleaser, you end up being the friend of convenience, the one that’s easy to take advantage of, or the one that can be manipulated. When people realize that you’re no longer that person, they may move on to other victims without giving you much thought. It’s unfortunate and I’m so sorry if it breaks your heart.
I know how much it hurts because it’s happened to me a TON. There have been groups of friends that I thought I’d be friends with forever and, well, other than an every-other-year happy birthday text, we might as well be strangers. As a matter of fact, I recently gave a friend honest advice and haven’t heard from him since.
The good news is that you’ll see it as good thing eventually. These friends are not real friends, so this isn’t a big loss. You deserve people that love you, respect you and embrace the entire wonder that is YOU! If you find yourself going down the negative self-talk rabbit hole because you lost a few fake friends, please check out this post I wrote a while back.
God Deserves to Come First
As Christians, we love God and know He loves us. But often in our lives, myself included, we push God to the backseat. Our family, friends, career, hobbies, etc. can start to take over such a large portion of our lives that there just isn’t room for God. When you’re a people-pleaser, your days may be filling up more than they should be. Suddenly your Bible study time becomes the time you listen to your friend vent about other friends. Church days turn into “if I don’t have any other obligations” days. See what’s happening? Your relationship with Jesus suffers because you’re the go-to friend or family member. It might feel nice to be needed, but is that pleasing God or people?
I don’t want to come off as this pious or righteous person that says you should only focus on God. He wants us to be helpful, respectful, and generous. But He should come first in our lives. Maybe start adding in a daily encounter every single day where you study the Bible, then take time to listen to what God has to say to you. I find that devotionals are a great way to focus in on God’s love for us. As a matter of fact, going back to our friend, Joyce Meyer, I’m loving this devotional book by her!
Are You Pleasing God or People? Make it Obvious
It wasn’t too long ago that we celebrated Easter, that incredible act of love God showed us by allowing His son to be crucified and take on all of our sin so that we could be saved. I think that makes it a good time to assess how we’re showing our love to Him right back. Where does He fall on your priority list? If you had to choose between going to church and having coffee with a coworker because they want to try the new coffee place, what would your answer be? Don’t get me wrong, God wants you to be there for people, but not when it impacts your relationship with Him. The good news is the more time you spend with Him, the less you’ll worry about what others think of you. He created you just the way you are, the strengths, flaws, and opinions are what make you exactly the person He wanted you to be. Let that person shine! Be 100% authentically you and make Him proud!
-All my love!