Mental illness has been portrayed in all sorts of ways in books, movies, and TV shows. Some are horror, making the mental illness stigma worse by portraying the mentally ill as people to fear. Then there’s the romantic, making the mentally ill look like they all are weak and need to be saved. Still others are comedies, poking gentle fun (sometimes not so gentle) at the mentally ill. While some are more accurate than others, none that I’ve seen helps people understand what loving a mentally ill person is really like.
When someone you love (significant other, friend, or family member) has a mental illness, it can feel like you’re walking on eggshells. It’s hard to know what might set them off. Sometimes it may feel like you have to treat them as if they may literally fall apart at any moment. It can be hard, frustrating, and change without warning.
Things to Remember When Loving a Mentally Ill Person
I’m a mentally ill person, as are several friends and family members. That doesn’t mean that I’m an expert at interacting with them. I found an article by a Certified Psychiatric Rehabilitation Practitioner who also has a JD (Juris Doctor) and MBA. Her name is Katherine Ponte, and she wrote this particular article for PsychologyToday.com. What makes her uniquely qualified to discuss this topic is that she also suffers from mental illness. I’m going to touch on a few of her points, but PLEASE, read her article for a lot more incredible insight.
You don't need to feel guilty
You didn’t cause your loved one to get mentally ill. No matter what you may or may not have done, this isn’t your fault. Feeling guilt is fairly normal, but, as Mrs. Ponte explains, it serves no purpose. While you may have done some things wrong (because…humans), it’s not what caused this illness. You’re both going to make mistakes during this journey, but she assures you that you’ll learn from them.
Whenever possible, let your loved one make the decisions
Mrs. Ponte writes that as long as your loved one has sound judgment, they should be the ones to make decisions about their care. If you make them try to follow your advice and act like you know best, all that will do is make them resist. Allow and even encourage them to decide how they’re going to handle their treatment. It will help them feel responsible, which Mrs. Ponte says is critical for their recovery.
Make sure your relationship is protected
Mrs. Ponte reminds us that it’s normal for you to get upset sometimes. It can be frustrating when your loved one doesn’t accept help or that they’re mentally ill at all. They may refuse to follow their doctor’s advice. Remember what you can and cannot control. Be honest with your loved one about how you feel and how much you care. It will strengthen your relationship.
What Could Set Them Off (and How to Respond)
We’ve all heard the word “triggers.” It’s kind of a buzzword that people use to describe a situation, word, or phrase that instantly triggers them into some sort of emotional response, mentally ill or not. This can apply to anyone. As a matter of fact, I’m sure everyone has triggers of varying intensity. I absolutely do. For example, if I feel someone is condescending towards me, that often triggers me into an overly sarcastic response born of pure anger. Something like, “Oh, that speed limit sign is a law? Not just a suggestion? WHHHAAAATTTTT?????” What are some of your triggers? Comment below!
Mrs. Ponte explains that when loving a mentally ill person, it’s important to know how they may feel about certain things. I’m going to go over a few, but again, please read her article!
Attacked
If they feel like you’re accusing them of not trying hard enough to get better, they’re going to get defensive. Anyone would. Even if you’re frustrated because they don’t seem to be even trying, remember that you’re only seeing a portion of their struggles. Instead of scolding them for what they’re not doing, tell them that you’re proud of them for what they have done, even if it seems insignificant to you. Remind them that you know that mental illness is hard.
Fear
People with mental illness can be afraid that they’ll never get better or get even worse. Remind them that plenty of people have recovered from mental illness and they can, too. It just takes time. A good friend of mine wrote a book about how she overcame mental illness and is an incredibly happy person now. Get it from Amazon here! It’s a good read!
Resentment
It’s hard for mentally ill people to watch others live their lives normally while little things can be so hard for them. They can feel angry that they got stuck with this ailment. I know I’ve felt angry. It can be hard not to feel resentment. Empathize with them. Tell them you’d probably be resentful, too.
Be Sure You're Taking Care of Yourself!
As a nurse and a mom, I’m all too familiar with caregiver fatigue. I’ve felt it myself, but not to the same degree as others. Parents with severely disabled (physically or mentally) children, adult children with their demented parents, spouses with their cancer-riddled other halves- there is no shortage of people out there for whom caregiving is a full-time job. It can also happen when loving a mentally ill person. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in caring for our loved ones that we feel guilty even thinking about our own needs for a minute. But, remember the saying, “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” This is so true.
I can almost hear some of you yelling, “You don’t understand! My loved one can’t be left alone for 30 seconds,” or “My loved one already feels like a burden; I can’t ask them for alone time.
You can.
You’re a human being with needs and wants. If you can’t leave your loved one alone, find someone you trust to stay with them. If you don’t have anyone you trust, find ways to insert more joy into your life. Watch a show that makes you laugh. Have your favorite food delivered. Take a long shower. Listen to music that you love. Work on a hobby. Journaling is a great way to reduce your stress while giving you a safe place to pour your heart out. Here are a few guided journals from Amazon.
If you’ve read some of my other posts, you may have picked up on how much I love Clever Fox products. This guided journal focuses on helping you find your inner peace. It comes in different colors and has stickers!
Here’s another Clever Fox journal. This one is for those little pockets of time you can find to add a little self-care. You only need 4 minutes!
This Clever Fox journal is great for tracking your feelings and emotions. Tracking thoughts can help you find what triggers intense feelings. This self-help journal works great for managing stress and anxiety.
The last Clever Fox product for this post is actually for both you and your loved one. Create that bucket list for when you’re both in a good mental place!
The last product I’m going to recommend for this post is a journal designed to destroy. While you’re destroying it, you’re releasing stress and finding your creativity! Wreck This Journal!
It’s okay to put yourself first once in a while. If you’ve ensured that your loved one is safe, then you’re allowed to take breaks. Remember that you’re not the one responsible for their healing, that is still on your loved one. You are their support person. Obviously, if they’re having a crisis, your break may have to be postponed, but it never needs to be canceled. You deserve to live your life, too.
How to Help End the Stigma
That stupid stigma. It’s easy for people to misunderstand mental illness. For those that deny that it’s even “a thing,” it’s easy to downplay how horrible it is to be held captive by your own mind. Unfortunately, there will always be those people who deny it, no matter what the research says. These are the people who think “just cheer up,” “stop worrying,” or “you just want attention” are actually helpful. Thankfully, there are some ways to combat the stigma!
Educate
I love to show images of MRI slides that show a normal brain and then one of someone with anxiety or depression. It’s hard to argue that the person can “just cheer up” when their brain looks that different on a medical scan.
Politely disagree
It may be hard for some to realize that mental illness is a thing, but that doesn’t mean you have to listen to it. You can be respectful and still disagree. Try just saying something along the lines of, “Mental illness can be just as debilitating as physical illness” or “I know (or am) someone with mental illness. It’s not as easy as it seems.” Or you could take the medical stand and tell them that telling a person to just get over their mental illness would be like telling a cancer patient to control their cell growth.
Explain
If it’s okay with your loved one, talk to others about what they’re going through. I like to explain my anxiety and depression like a bully that lives in my head. You can read “Silencing the Bully” here. This bully makes me feel bad about myself, making me doubt every decision and telling me that I’ll never be good enough. Sometimes explaining it to people can make them understand.
What we need in this world is more understanding and kindness. Invisible illnesses are still illnesses.
Loving a Mentally Ill Person Can Be Complicated, but It's Still Real!
Love is worth it. Just because a person has a mental illness doesn’t mean that they’re incapable of love. It doesn’t mean that your love has to end. There will be struggles. You’ll both make mistakes, get angry, and get overwhelmed (because again…humans). But that doesn’t mean that your relationship is in danger. You can both love and care for each other. Trust each other. Be honest. Never stop loving each other.
~All my love!