What is one thing that anxious people always want? The knowledge of how things will play out, good or bad. We would pay good money for someone to tell us how each of our decisions would play out so that we could plan accordingly. It’s why we obsess over every little detail. An anxious person has already thought of, not only the worst-case scenario but the top ten worst-case scenarios. It’s why we fear success as much as failure. If either of those two huge changes were going to occur, we don’t know all the implications of what that would look like. It’s also why we self-sabotage.
I’m pretty good at a lot of things. But self-sabotage? That’s my true talent. The night before my weekly weigh-in, was I living on lettuce and water? Nope, this girl ate a doughnut AND my body weight in Muddy Buddy Chex Mix.
And guess what?
My weigh-in made me cry. There are thousands of ways that I self-sabotage and I bet there are ways you do, too. We eat badly, procrastinate, give in to distractions, and do so many other things that get in the way of our success. Why? When we want change and success so badly, why do we do this? This post is to help you learn why you self-sabotage so that you can stop it.
What is Self-Sabotage?
To learn why you self-sabotage, you have to learn more about this evil entity. It can be either conscious or subconscious things that you do to undermine a goal. I went back to my favorite source for mental health research, verywellmind.com, and found an article by Barbara Field. Please check it out because it gives a whole lot of great advice on why you self-sabotage. She says that it’s actually a coping mechanism used to avoid stress.
When we self-sabotage, we stay in our comfort zone. Nothing changes. Change, no matter how positive it may be, can be so stressful that our minds want to protect us from it. Even something like losing weight can be scary to our brains. I’m going to look different. I’m going to feel different. I’m going to have to buy all new clothes. The foods I love will be off-limits. What if I hurt myself? What if I look stupid at the gym? Water is flavorless and I hate it. I’m too tired. What’s so bad about being a little heavy anyway? I don’t need to be so obsessive about getting skinny. I’ll just stay in my normal routine of sleeping in and drinking gallons of heavily creamed coffee. You know what? I’m going to eat that doughnut, too!
Why You Self-Sabotage
So why do we do this to ourselves? It seems like it should be easy to just stop it. We want to succeed. Our brains may not be fully on board, but part of it, a big part, definitely wants us to reach our goals, right? So why can’t we just stop self-sabotaging?
Because our brains are just jerks sometimes. But, once we understand the psychology behind it a bit more, we can use that knowledge to stop it.
Let’s go back to the research article. Ms. Field says there are several reasons why we do this. I’m going to go over a few here, but again, please read the article.
Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem is probably one of the biggest culprits. When you have a negative self-image, you’re going to do things that confirm that in your mind. If you think terribly of yourself, you’re going to make sure that things don’t work out. The closer you get to succeeding, the more uncomfortable your mind gets, which could be why you self-sabotage.
Difficult childhood
It really sucks that having a difficult childhood continues to bleed into your adult life, doesn’t it? But, those early moments can have a lasting impact on how you see yourself. If you had a parent constantly criticizing and putting you down, that’s very harmful to your developing brain. Let’s say your parents wanted you to be exactly just like them (follow their career path, have the same values/beliefs, etc). Since you’re, in fact, your own person, maybe you wanted to do something different. Some parents unfortunately take that very personally and lash out, saying that their child will never amount to anything. These painful memories can be why you self-sabotage now. When you were constantly told that you would fail, or that you weren’t good enough, that small child that’s still in your brain is going to be telling adult you those awful things on repeat.
Difficulty in relationships
Just like growing up with negative parents, having an emotionally abusive significant other can cause a whole lot of damage. When you have someone that you see very regularly, maybe even live with, that is manipulative, narcissistic, or just plain mean, that takes a toll on you. We probably have all been in a relationship like that. Maybe you’re in one now. The problem is, that even if we get out of those relationships, the damage can take years to repair. It can be hard to trust again. You may sabotage future relationships so that you don’t risk getting hurt again.
What Self-Sabotage Looks Like
Self-sabotaging can take on many forms, but there are three major ways, according to Ms. Field. Comment below on which one you fall victim to the most!
Procrastination
This is my biggest one. Procrastination is the easiest way to self-sabotage. While writing this article, I’ve probably stopped to check my phone no less than 20 times. Maybe played a little Monopoly Go. Checked the gossip on Nextdoor. Returned a few texts. Checked a few emails. Deleted some emails (so that it wouldn’t distract me later). Almost texted my husband to see when he was bringing the girls home. Then deleted that text because I have to focus! Maybe you want a clean house, but you also want to finish that episode. The mess will still be there later. You want a new job, but the thought of polishing your resume, and then interviewing, sounds awful. The job you have now is safe and secure. Everyone hates their job, right? If it gets worse, then you’ll start job-hunting.
Perfectionism
Ms. Field says that while perfectionism may seem like something everyone should strive for, it actually delays success. No one is perfect. Mistakes happen. You could edit your project a hundred times and still not feel it’s perfect. If you’re waiting for the timing to be perfect before you ask your boss for a raise, you’re self-sabotaging yourself. You’re going to miss deadlines. That raise isn’t going to magically appear.
Even if you did get your presentation perfect, not everything is going to go perfectly when you present it. There will be a computer glitch. Someone will ask a question you don’t know the answer to. Mr. Just-Came-Back-To-Work-After-Being-Sick will be coughing throughout your entire speech. The big problem with perfectionism is that you’re going to continually feel like you’re failing. This makes you more susceptible to depression and anxiety, where the negative thoughts will continue to make you feel bad about yourself.
Self-medication
Ms. Field explains that a very common way to deal with self-sabotaging effects is to self-medicate. People use the “relief” of drugs and alcohol to feel better, even though that reprieve is very short-lived. It often makes you feel even worse. Plus, you’re wasting so much time being drunk or high that you’re self-sabotaging even more.
How To Stop Self-Sabotaging Yourself
We talked about how and why you self-sabotage, now let’s focus on how to stop. Just like anything else, it’s going to take some time and some work on your part (and mine, because I’m learning it, too!). But, if we can silence that self-sabotaging voice in our heads for just a bit, we can do it. Just don’t give up!
Time for some soul searching!
Why do YOU self-sabotage? When did it start? What patterns have you noticed? Have you been doing this all your life? Or did something happen to make it start? Ask yourself some questions to find out the root cause behind why you self-sabotage.
Just go for it!
It’s time to stop putting off the things you know you want to do. Try a little self-discipline, but be gentle! You have a goal. There are steps you need to take to reach that goal. Start small, but do one of those steps TODAY!
Speaking of starting small
Focus on the little things instead of the big picture. That big giant goal is overwhelming. Let’s say you’re going to climb a mountain (not the best of analogies since I know nothing about mountain climbing). You see how tall that mountain is. While you desperately want to get to that top peak, your legs are already so tired. How can you possibly make it to the top? Don’t focus on it. Just worry about your next step, then your next, and so on. You CAN reach your goal, one step at a time.
How to Remember Your Incredible Worth
How about a little self-love? You may think that you don’t deserve good things to happen to you. It may be hard to believe in yourself. What if you waste time, money, and precious resources only to find out it’s not going to work? But, that idea keeps coming back to haunt you. No one can guarantee success. But we can guarantee failure if you don’t try. That thing you can’t stop thinking about doing? It deserves your attention because it needs YOU. Try believing in yourself just a little. You DO deserve amazing things. And here comes one of my famous cliches! You only have one life. You deserve to live it the way you want and do the things YOU want. Whether it’s losing weight, having a clean house, or launching a business, you deserve it!
Write down a few reasons why you deserve to accomplish your goals. One of my reasons is to prove to myself, and everyone else, that I can. I’ve been through some tough crap. I’m sure you have, too. But those hard times are even more reasons as to why we need to do the thing. It’s scary. Your anxious mind is going to fight you every step of the way. But you can do this! Keep telling yourself you can do this!
You've Learned WHY You Self-Sabotage, Now it's Time to Stop
The reason you self-sabotage is going to look different than why I do it. Every one of us has a very different backstory. That story is part of us. Let’s not use it to hold us back, but to propel us forward towards the life-changing goals we need to accomplish. Do some soul-searching. Figure out why you get in your own way. Love yourself enough to do the work, no matter how terrifying. You deserve to live the life you want! I believe you can get there!
-All my love!