We tend to admire the tough men and women of the world. These take-no-crap people seem to be immune to what other people think. The Anti-People Pleaser. I think we admire them, and are maybe a bit jealous of them because they live for themselves. On the other hand, we people pleasers care very much about what other people think of us. So much so that we spend a major portion of our lives living for other people, it is exhausting. That’s why today I’m going to talk about why people-pleasing causes burnout.
Just like many of you probably can, I can trace my personal history of people pleasing back to an early age. I was the painfully shy, horribly awkward kid that just wanted everyone to like me. For a short time, I thought everyone did. I was quick to say yes to whatever they asked because for that small window of time, I thought they were my friends. Sure, you can copy my homework. Yeah, you can cut in front of me in line. Absolutely, you can have my last piece of gum, who else would it be for? Oh, we’re in a group project together? Sure, I can do most of it. All these things I was doing for people would surely make me popular, right?
Nope.
They took advantage of my kindness, then usually talked behind my back about what a dork I was. Kids are mean. But, it didn’t matter. I still did things for them because I wanted to feel like I was useful in some way to them. Does this sound familiar to you?
The thing is, I genuinely love to help others. I bet you do, too. But it becomes a problem when we get so involved in helping everyone else that we’re not taking care of ourselves. This is why people pleasing causes burnout.
What is People Pleasing?
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you might have picked up on how much I love the site verywellmind.com. I turned back to it for this post and found yet another great article, this one by Kendra Cherry, MSEd. She describes people pleasers as caring, thoughtful, and empathetic people who enjoy helping. However, they also tend to have a poor self-image, tend to want to take control, and are known to be overachievers.
People pleasers tend to put their needs on the back burner to take care of others. These people (us) are nurturers to the extreme, and often at the expense of their own mental or physical health. If someone needs help, no matter what the people pleaser has going on in their own life, they’ll jump at the chance to help.
Are You a People Pleaser?
While this world is in desperate need of people willing to go above and beyond to help fellow people, we also need to take care of ourselves so that we can continue spreading love wherever we go. Are you someone who puts yourself dead last on the list of people to help? Kendra Cherry put together a big list in her article that I mentioned earlier of signs of people-pleasers. I’m going to list some here, but please read her article, it has a lot of great info in it.
Difficulty saying no
Feeling guilty when saying no
Fear of being seen as mean or selfish
Low self-esteem
Wanting people to like you, so you do things to earn their approval
Neglecting your needs for the needs of others
Agreeing to do things you don’t like or don’t want to do
Pretending to agree, even if you don’t
It was a tough list for me to read because they all ring true for me. Like…when does a people pleaser turn into a full-blown martyr? But, now that we know that we ARE people pleasers, we can fight back!
Why People Pleasing Causes Burnout Among Other Things
I’m going to again turn back to Kendra Cherry’s article to explain some of the harmful effects of people-pleasing. As you can imagine, it can start to take quite a toll on you.
Anger and Frustration
Doing things because you want to help is great. But doing things because you feel obligated is not. This tends to lead to frustration because you’re resentful that the person is taking advantage. You might even be angry (in secret of course) because you know that person would never do it for you.
Anxiety and Stress
When you’re constantly doing things for other people, it can make you feel so drained that you’re not taking care of the things you need to. Let’s say you need to clean your house. You make a plan and get up early on a Saturday, start your cleaning playlist only to have a friend call you (out of the blue) and ask if you can help them move.
Well, at least your outfit for cleaning the house will be good enough for moving, too. Off you go! This leads to anxiety because your house is still a mess. When you come back 10 hours later, it’s going to stress you out because now you have absolutely no energy to clean it.
Depleted Willpower
Going along the same vein as anxiety and stress, if you’re always working on making others happy, you’re not going to have the willpower or the energy to work on what you want to, your own goals. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I bought the domain name for Disquiet Deliverance back in 2018. It took me FIVE years to officially launch and it still gets put on the back burner a lot more than I’d like to admit. Have you ever put a potentially life-changing goal on the sidelines because you were too busy being there for everyone else?
Lack of Authenticity
It may be hard for people to know the real you. You have opinions, likes, dislikes just like everyone else. When you’re a people pleaser, it’s hard for you to let people know the things about you that make you who you are. It can go so far that you might not even know who you are.
All of these things are exactly why people-pleasing causes burnout. You are an amazing person who loves to take care of others. It’s an admirable trait in this world of self-serving entitlement. But now it’s time that you use some of that love and caring for your self.
How to Stop People Pleasing
So, now that I’ve made you feel like you’ve been living your entire life for everyone else, how the heck are you supposed to just start taking care of yourself again? I’m going, to be honest, it’s not an easy change. This is not going to be something that happens overnight and it’s going to be met with challenges, backslides, and possibly some hurt feelings.
Figure out WHY You're a People Pleaser
Time for some soul-searching! Why do YOU feel the need to be a people pleaser? Are you afraid to say no? Do you just want to be liked? Are you jealous that other people seem to have more friends than you? Maybe you feel like other people are a better friend than you (read this article on anxiety jealousy if that’s the case). Grab a journal and start writing down the reasons you like to help people so much. Don’t hold anything back. Dump everything out of your brain when it comes to helping.
Plan Your Priorities
Make a list of all your commitments. Which ones are important to you? Maybe there’s a charity event that you help with every year that means a lot to you. Keep that one. But then maybe the obligatory Socks for Sewer Rats isn’t something you feel as passionate about (okay, okay, I know that one’s a stretch, but you get the idea). Is the Friday night drinks with friends getting to be a chore? Cut it down to once or twice a month. Instead of making a fancy brunch for your in-laws every Sunday, suggest you switch houses once in a while or go out to eat.
Start Small
Like I said, this isn’t going to be an easy change. It’s not like flipping a switch. Find easy no’s until you can build your confidence up a bit. Let’s take the Friday night drinks, for example. Maybe on Friday, you just want to go home, get in your PJs, and eat takeout while binging a favorite show. Remember why people pleasing causes burnout and keep that in mind when you tell your friends you’re not feeling up to it, but you’ll see them next week.
Treat Your Boundaries With Respect
Now that you have priorities on what you’d like to spend your energy on, be clear about that with friends, family, and coworkers. Tell your boss that you’re happy to come in early once in a while, but it can’t be an everyday thing. You also can’t be on call every second of every day with every person in your life. Tell people that you’re going to start focusing on yourself more. People who care about you should be happy that you’re taking better care of yourself. Which leads us to the next point.
Accept the Fact That You Might Lose "Friends"
When you start getting more confident and saying no more often, you might meet resistance from the people who have been taking your extreme kindness for granted. They might act like you’ve hurt their feelings or might even be angry. That’s okay. Like Kendra Cherry says, relationships should always be give and take. Keep that in mind if someone gets upset with you. Simply say, “I need to take some time for me right now.” If they’re still angry, let them go. You deserve to have people in your life that want you to be happy and healthy.
Be Gentle With Yourself
This is a really hard change. It’s awkward to say no when you’ve spent your life saying yes. There will be setbacks. People will guilt you into saying yes, which might make you feel like you’ve failed. You haven’t. Just keep trying. You’re going to feel guilty for saying no and that’s normal, too. You’ve been the go-to person for a long time and it’s going to be a hard transition to set those much-needed boundaries. Just keep telling yourself that you deserve some respect, love, and care, too.
Remember That You're Just as Important as Everyone Else
Your dreams, goals, chores, hobbies, activities, and views are important to you. This is your only life. It’s time for you to start living more for the things you want to. The reason why people pleasing causes burnout is because you’re not doing enough of the things that make you happy. You can take care of yourself and others. It doesn’t make you mean or selfish. All you’re doing is putting yourself back into the rotation of people to care for. You deserve it!
All my love!