It’s safe to say that we’ve all been in situations where we didn’t know how to help someone we desperately wanted to. This crazy world is full of tragedy, sadness, and suffering. No one is safe from it. Sometimes bad things happen to those we love. When that happens, we want to take it away and make them feel better. But, it’s uncomfortable to step into someone else’s pain. The last thing we want is to make them feel worse. This post is about what to do when you don’t know what to say or do.
I’m going to be honest, I used to shy away from these types of situations. Someone would cry in front of me and I would turn my head and act like I didn’t notice. To make myself feel better, I would say, “It’s none of my business.” But the guilt would still be there. I longed to make people feel better. That was the biggest reason I became a nurse. It’s also why I started this blog. It’s time that we, as humans, start to be okay with discomfort and be there for someone else, whether we know them well or not. Let’s do this!
Why is it So Hard to Help?
Why is it so hard to be there for people sometimes? In this very imperfect world, I feel like we always want to do everything perfectly. We want to show up and say the exact right thing that is going to take all their pain away. If someone we care about is going through a hard time, if we don’t have the perfect words, is it even worth it to be there at all? If it’s not perfect, what if we make them feel worse? What if we don’t know what to say and end up saying nothing at all? How is that going to help?
It’s also not a comfortable situation. Let’s say the person that’s suffering is someone that we’re used to being happy and silly. This new side, this vulnerable and broken side, is someone that we don’t really know. What if they’re the person that’s usually there for everyone else? How are you going to make someone feel better who always seems to know the perfect thing to say to you or other people? If someone you know well comes to you with a problem that’s causing them a great deal of distress, it can be awkward to be there.
But please, be there.
They chose to come to you for a reason. Don’t make an excuse to get out of there when you don’t know what to say. The only thing you can do to make it worse is to not be there at all. You need to be okay with sitting with your discomfort to help someone you care about. I’m going to help you!
If it’s someone with a chronic mental illness, please check out my post on caring for someone who’s mentally ill.
What to Do When You Don't Know What to Say
As usual, I did a bit of research for this post. This time, that research comes from a phenomenal article written by Crystal Raypole from Healthline.com. She has a whole lot of great advice on how to be emotionally supportive. I’m going to talk about a few here, but please read her article. She covers much more than I possibly could.
Ask questions
When you first notice that someone is upset, don’t look the other way and pretend not to see it. Try asking a few questions to get a feel for their situation. For example, if you saw a friend fighting with his girlfriend and she stormed off, ask him, “Hey, that seemed intense. What happened?” or if you know that someone argued with their family, you could say, “That had to be upsetting. How are you doing?”
Try to ask open-ended questions to keep the person talking. Asking yes or no questions can end a conversation before it begins. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
Now what? “Ummmmm….are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Uhh..okay cool.”
Listen
When someone is baring their soul to you, take that seriously. Give them your full attention. Don’t just nod along while you scroll on Pinterest. Put your phone away, make eye contact, and turn your body towards them. Listen actively and ask questions when you need clarification. Once they’re done, summarize what they said so that they know you heard them. You’d be surprised how much good you can do for someone just by letting them get it all out in the open.
Validate
Here’s the biggest thing most people forget when they’re in a supportive role: Most people don’t want advice or someone to fix their problem. They just want someone to listen and validate the fact that what they’re going through sucks. It may even seem like something trivial to you. But if it’s upsetting them that much, let them vent and tell them that their feelings are valid. It doesn’t have to be something that would bother you, too, it bothers them and that’s cause for validation.
Authenticity
Again, we all want to have the perfect thing to say. This often results in canned advice that feels forced or fake support that feels condescending. Sometimes, there just aren’t words. Let’s say a person was just diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and they’re probably not going to get to see their kids grow up. You’re not going to know what to say. No one can take that pain away. Saying something like, “Everything happens for a reason” isn’t going to make them feel better. But it’s perfectly acceptable to say, “I don’t know what to say, this is horrible. It’s not fair that you’re going through this.” That’s much more authentic and validating.
Avoid minimizing
It may seem helpful to point out that the situation could be worse, but 99.99999% of the time, that’s not going to be what the person wants to hear. All they need to know is that you’re there for them, even if it’s making a mountain out of a very small molehill. If someone is upset that the coffee shop is out of the stuff to make their favorite latte, just listen. They need to know that you’re there for them and that they can come to you, no matter how trivial the situation seems. Again, they just want you to listen and validate, not judge, minimize or advise.
Other Ways to Help
Some people are just too uncomfortable being around someone that’s suffering. We’ve probably all experienced this. A relative that sneaks into another room when we’re crying. A friend that makes an inappropriate joke when we’re telling our story. A coworker that sits, stiff as a board, when we’ve just received bad news. You know what? It’s okay if you’re that person. There are many other ways you can show your support without having to get too close to the pain.
Be honest with them. Tell them that you want to support them, but you don’t know what to say or do. Ask if there’s something specific they need, like an errand you can do, taking their kids for a while, or taking them out for a distracting activity. You can always send them a card or flowers to let them know you’re thinking about them. Bring over a meal or order them food to be delivered. There are thousands of ways to show support even if the closeness of a vulnerable conversation makes you too uncomfortable.
Just Be There, However You Can
Like I said, it’s never going to be a comfortable thing to be present for someone else’s suffering. It may be a side of someone that you’ve never seen. There can be an almost embarrassing side to it like you’re seeing someone naked. In a way, you are seeing their naked soul and all the vulnerability that comes with it. Just keep in mind that it’s probably not comfortable for them to be this open either. Just because you don’t know what to say doesn’t mean that you can’t be supportive. They’ll appreciate you being there, any way you can.
~All my love!