Parenting burnout is taboo. Like so many aspects of mental health, it’s misunderstood and often met with eye rolls. I really don’t think there is anyone more harshly judged than a parent who admits that, sometimes, once in a while, parenting is really freaking hard. How dare they complain about those little angels? What kind of parents are they?
Parents are not complaining. They are screaming for help, support and maybe just a little compassion.
Here’s the hard truth, parenting burnout is very real and should be addressed. How many times have you heard an exasperated mom or dad yell at their kids in the store, only to be met with hard stares and dirty looks. Or, the mother of grown kids who sighs at you, “You’re going to miss that someday.”
I’ve been that parent. I freely admit it.
Please don’t misunderstand me. My girls are my universe. I love them with all my heart and my entire soul. My world is so much better since they came into it. They amaze me every day. I absolutely LOVE the fact that I get to be the mother of these two amazing kids. But that’s what they are. They are kids. They’re learning social skills, testing boundaries and learning how to co-exist. That means that sometimes, not all the time, but definitely sometimes, they push every single button that I have.
Obviously, they don’t understand the stress of adulthood and thank God they don’t. Adult life is hard. There are always things to think about. Always so much to get done. Kids just want to play, usually with the very toys you just spent 20 minutes picking up (for the third time that day). It gets overwhelming sometimes. That overwhelm can turn into burnout quickly.
EVERY Parent Feels it at Some Point
Whether you stay home with the kids or you work, I know you’ve felt parenting burnout before. I’m pretty sure every parent has. It’s not easy when your life revolves around little people that only know how to be self-centered. All they want is for you to entertain them. They don’t care that you’ve worked for 8+ hours or just spent hours cleaning and finally sat down. If you’re sitting, that means you’re available for play, right?
Then, when you do snap and lose your temper, even for a minute, the guilt sets in. You know it’s not their fault you’re burnt out. They just want to play because that’s what kids do.
It doesn’t help that we live in a world where we are constantly on display. We shouldn’t just act perfectly, we need to BE perfect. We should look perfect, our houses, yards, vehicles and even our pets should be perfect.
Our kids should also be well-adjusted perfect angels that have neatly pressed, stain-free, hole-free outfits that always act perfectly. They should only be eating 200% organic food that we make from scratch. You DO make your own flour for sandwich bread, don’t you? From the wheat that you grow? And you make your own peanut butter and jelly, right? If you do dare to take a shortcut and buy food, you do only buy the bread that costs half your paycheck, right? If not, you’re basically poisoning your child.
Society has made it impossible for us to be REAL. Every parent struggles. No one has it all together all the time. We need to be more honest with each other. It should be okay to say, “I’m overwhelmed.”
What is Parenting Burnout?
Psychologytoday.com has an incredible article by Robyn Koslowitz, Ph.D about parenting burnout. She defines burnout as, “an exhaustion syndrome, characterized by feeling overwhelmed, physical and emotional exhaustion, emotional distancing from one’s children, and a sense of being an ineffective parent.”
In her article, she also talks about how a lot of parents secretly fantasize about escaping the stress of it all. Hands up if you’d take an all-expense trip to the Maldives alone?
The irony of burnout is that as heavenly as a solo trip to somewhere tropical sounds, we feel almost instantaneous guilt for allowing that fantasy into our heads. What kind of parent wants to be away from their kids, even for a few minutes? If you’re a working parent, that guilt is even more pronounced because you already spend a lot of time away from your kids.
She talks about how society sees parenting as something that should be so rewarding and incredible that all the tiny inconveniences (2AM wakeups, spilled milk, temper tantrums, etc.) should be barely noticeable. She says that this is a harmful myth that needs to go away.
How to Recover from Parenting Burnout
If you ever have a chance to read Brene Brown’s book, Rising Strong, please do so. It really changed the way I look at a lot of things. She talked about how she once tried to do it all, say yes to things she didn’t want to, try to be the perfect parent and wife, the list goes on and on. She made the realization that the most generous people in the world are also the best at setting boundaries. That’s how they have the energy to be generous, they’re not stretching themselves waaaayyyyy beyond their limits.
Parenting burnout is very much the same way. You can NOT be the present, patient, loving parent you want to be if you’re burnt out. I know that parents think they have to do it all on their own. But remember all the cliches:
“You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
“It takes a village to raise a child.”
“Put on your own oxygen mask first.”
The message behind all those is that we were never meant to handle all of the things on our own. Childcare, housework, careers, repairs, bills, groceries, meal prep, school functions, sports, doctor’s appointments, dentist appointments, potty training, homework, do all those things while making sure that you’re raising your kids to be decent human beings. Parenting burnout is real, but also fixable. You just have to fix it. Dr. Koslowitz says, “Just like we all know that the cell phones need to be recharged, so do we. When our batteries deplete, we have to refill them.”
Here are seven ways to help.
Acknowledge it
The first step to conquering any difficulty is to admit that there actually is one. Look at yourself. How do you feel, really? Overwhelmed? Exhausted? Irritable AF? Do you find yourself snapping at your spouse, kids, co-workers, etc. for no real reason? When you wake up in the morning, do you feel energized? Or is the thought of facing yet another day already making you feel tired? You’re burnt out, my friend. There is way too much on your plate and it’s time to put some back.
Ask for Help
It seems so easy, but there are a lot of us that struggle with asking for help. A lot of parents think that they should be able to do it all on their own. But, the truth is, sometimes you just can’t. Every parent needs help sometimes and there is no shame in that. I bet there are a lot of people out there that would love to take some of the burden off of you. Whether it’s taking the kids for a bit, helping with some chores, or making you a meal/bringing takeout over, there are always ways for someone to help you.
Think of it this way, if a friend called you and said, “Hey, I’m really feeling overwhelmed. I was wondering if you could take the kids for an ice cream while I just sit in silence for a few minutes?” Would you think less of that friend?
If you don’t have anyone to help you (I’m so sorry), pay a babysitter, do a grocery pickup, or ask the neighbor kid if he’d cut your lawn for $20. Find some way to help get even a little pressure off of you.
Take Better Care of Your Physical and Mental Health
We can’t talk about recovering from parenting burnout without addressing one important fact. Parents neglect themselves HORRIBLY. How many times has your lunch consisted of the crusts of your kids’ sandwich and a handful of Goldfish crackers? How many cups of coffee have you had, just to survive the day? When was the last time you drank a glass of water?
How is your mental health? Do you suffer from anxiety and/or depression? Be sure you’re not ignoring these illnesses to take care of others, because that’s just going to make them stronger. I have articles on coping skills for anxiety as well as coping with depression if you’d like to check them out!
What about rest? Do you get even remotely enough sleep? Do you ever get time to just sit for a while? Are you making time for your mental health? Have you done any of your hobbies? Be sure to put your physical and mental health closer to the top of your priority list. You’re not going to be any good to your family if you don’t take care of yourself.
Set Limits with Your Time
While I know you’re not going to be able to tell your screaming baby to wait a few minutes while you finish your coffee, there are ways to set limits on who and what can take your time from you. There are so many things and so many people that need a piece of you. Remind yourself that your time is still YOURS. If you’re struggling with parenting burnout, maybe you can skip the parent council meeting this week. It’s okay to tell your boss you simply can’t work all the overtime he/she wants you to. Ask your spouse/parent/friend/anyone you trust to take your kids to their activities just once.
This is going to be a hard one for some to swallow, but you’re also going to have to be okay with some things just not getting done. Allow your house to be good enough clean. Allow your kids to do their chores (as in, don’t do it over for them and don’t have the battle with them about doing it better). Bring dinner home once in a while so that you can have a night off from cooking.
TAKE A BREAK
It probably goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway. Now that you’ve cleared a small window of time, use it just for you. Do something mindless. Do a craft. Have a whole WARM cup of coffee or tea. Get caught up on show you love. Watch a movie (or at least part of a movie). You may be surprised at how much a little uninterrupted “you” time can recharge your battery.
If you can, find a small corner of the house that you can make just yours. All it really needs is a comfy chair and a table, but you need to create a space just for you, just for your breaks. Put some relaxing candles or potpourri on that table, or maybe a zen garden or a few small plants. Drape a weighted blanket over the chair and put a few inspirational pictures on the wall. You’ve just created your escape from home in your house!
Talk About it
Venting is good for the soul. Talk to your spouse. You might be surprised to find out he/she is just as burnt out. Or maybe he/she hasn’t realized just how burnt out you are. They might want to brainstorm ideas with you to get you both feeling better. If you’re a single parent, or someone that just can’t talk to their spouse about this right now, talk to other parent friends. Or talk to a therapist.
There is also a whole multitude of support groups, both in person and online, that can offer you the support you need. Basically, find someone, anyone, that is willing to listen to you vent for a few minutes. You do not have to be alone in this. Like I said earlier, every parent has felt this way at some point. Some are going through it right now, just like you.
Look at Your Kids and Feel the Love
No matter how hard the days are, allow yourself a minute or two to snuggle those little bodies. Let your heart soak up the love you feel for them. Listen to those sweet voices say, “I love you.” Remember the moment you held them for the first time. Look at how much they’ve grown since then. Allow yourself to feel the pride you should for getting them this far in life. They’re here because of you. They’re happy, safe, and healthy because of your hard work.
Parenting Burnout is Temporary Thing in a Lifetime of Love
Parenting is exhausting. Every single stage of development brings new challenges. While I’m still in the young kids stage, I know the preteen and teenage years are coming at me fast. Parenting burnout has gotten me plenty of times already. I know it will plenty of times still. Unfortunately, the same goes for you and every parent out there in the world. But even in the worst cases of burnout, many still want to hold onto the chaos of small children. They’re getting older every day. Soon I won’t be able to hold them on my lap for snuggles. It won’t be long before they don’t even want snuggles.
While it doesn’t make burnout any easier, try to keep in mind how fast they’re growing. That is precisely why you need to tackle this burnout now so that you can enjoy each stage of childhood. Do whatever it is you need to do to feel better so that you can make sure that when you and your kids look back at the memories, you all feel the love that I know you feel for each other.
Also, be sure to remember that you were given these kids because they need YOU. Not the Pinterest-perfect version of you, but the real you. You can be everything they need you to be without a perfectly organized and labeled pantry. Give yourself a break, let go of the need to be perfect, and know that you are more than enough for your kids.
All my love!