It’s easy to say that death is just a part of life. It’s coming for us all at some point. But when one of our precious loved ones dies suddenly, that takes the breath right out of our lungs. If you’ve stumbled across this post looking for comfort after your own sudden grief, let me send you the biggest virtual hug. I’m truly sorry that anyone has to go through that agony. While I can’t take your pain away, I hope to offer you comfort and support.
Grief is the most painful of feelings. No one is safe from it. It hurts so much when it happens. Having time to prepare for it (such as in the case of a terminal illness) may ease the shock, but no one can truly prepare for how it feels when a loved one stops breathing. If you need help dealing with anticipatory grief, please see my post here. This post focuses more on the sudden loss of someone close to you.
What Makes Sudden Grief So Much Harder?
Obviously, it’s going to be harder to lose a spouse to a random traffic accident than it is to lose an older relative to age-related disease. That’s not to diminish the pain of losing said relative, but only to highlight the difference. Some deaths hit harder. A spouse, a young parent, a sibling, a best friend, or worst of all, a child. This is especially true when the loss is sudden.
Regan Olsen, a writer for Banner Health, wrote an article about how to navigate this excruciating experience. She writes that grief hurts no matter what, but when it comes as a surprise, the shock of it is very traumatic, making it harder to cope with. You’re not just dealing with the grief, but trying to wrap your head around how they died. How can a person that you saw very recently just be gone now?
My Story
In my other posts about grief, you may remember that I lost my mother when I was 13 to an aggressive recurrence of her breast cancer. Since it was round two with cancer for her, I just assumed she would survive it like she did the first time. It was a horrible shock to my three siblings and me when our dad told us she had died. She was my mom. How could my siblings and I (ages 5, 9, 13, and 15) just stop having a mom?
That was 28 years ago. Let me tell you that grief never really ends. Sometimes, even after all these years, it still knocks the wind out of me and punches me in the stomach. It usually happens when I’m at some sort of crossroads in life that could use a mother’s (particularly my mother’s) advice. She was always SO GOOD at the advice. It’s not fair that I didn’t get to learn more of her wisdom. Grief is painful, and it’s not fair. You are allowed to say that. It’s not fair that you have to go through this.
Even though it’s still ridiculously painful at times, it doesn’t consume my whole world now. I miss her every day, but there’s a whole lot of happiness in my life, too. I know how hard it is for you to think about being happy right now. You probably don’t even want that. But, I promise you, you will find joy again.
How to Cope With Sudden Grief
I can tell you that there’s no right way to grieve, but there are some definite wrong ways. Going back to Ms. Olsen’s article, she writes that grief is something that needs to be worked through. Society is going say that all pain is bad, but that’s not true. Avoiding the feelings can cause actual harm, even making you physically sick.
Ms. Olsen says that some people try to avoid feeling anything. They numb their feelings with drugs, alcohol or sleeping all the time. Or, they keep so busy that there’s no time for grief. The problem with that strategy is that your feelings will always catch up to you.
You may have heard about the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). Ms. Olsen says that these stages are not a timeline of how (or how long) you should move through grief to be done with it. More, they are tools to help us figure out all these strange emotions. There’s never an end to grief, but you will learn to accept it as part of who you are now.
Ms. Olsen’s article highlights some important things to do if you’re faced with sudden grief. The most important thing to remember is not to isolate yourself, no matter how tempting it might be. Here are some other things she suggests.
Find a support group
This is becoming easier these days. While there are still generic grief support groups, there are still very specific ones. Whether in person or online, you can find a support group that will help with your particular loss, whether it’s a child, a spouse, or even losing a loved one in a specific way (such as drug overdose). It’s very therapeutic to find other people that have gone through something close to what you’re going through now.
Get professional help
I know, I know, I can almost hear some of you saying, “Therapy isn’t for me.” But please, just give it a try. Keep an open mind. Therapy can be helpful to anyone. It’s especially helpful when you’re going through sudden grief. There are so many what-ifs, if-onlys, and guilt mixed in with all the other emotions. Guidance through this painful maze is only going to help.
Accept that you're going through something very painful
Sudden grief causes a myriad of painful emotions. It’s hard to allow yourself to feel them because, well, they hurt! As we talked about earlier, you need to allow all of the feelings to go through you, no matter how much it hurts. Trust me on this, you will not be able to heal without accepting these feelings. As someone who tried to run and hide from emotions for a large portion of my life, I can promise you that they don’t go anywhere. They only get stronger. Soon, they’ll grow so powerful that you cannot ignore them any longer. Accept them, feel them, and then you can start to let them go.
Don't jump back into your normal life too soon
No one expects you to go through something so traumatic and get right back to your old life the next day. Please try to accept that your new normal is going to look different now. You may have new responsibilities. While not everyone can afford to take a leave of absence from work, if you can, please do. At least take all of your allowed bereavement days as you try to adjust to your new life. Life after a horrible loss. Try to cut back on all of the other stuff, errands, school stuff, volunteering, even housework. It’ll wait for you. Give yourself all the time you need to begin to process this terrible situation. When you’re ready, you can slowly add the other stuff back in.
Remember to take care of yourself
When faced with sudden grief, it’s easy to fall into a depressed state where you’re not taking care of yourself. You may not be able to sleep, or you may sleep all the time. Eating could be the last thing on your mind, or you may want to binge on all the comfort food you can eat. Emotions, especially when ignored, can cause physical sickness. If you’re not up to showering, at least wipe yourself down with a baby wipe and spray some dry shampoo. Eat easy foods that don’t require cooking if you can’t prepare something yourself. I know it’s hard, but please take care of yourself.
How to Accept Help
It can be hard to accept help when you’re dealing with sudden grief. You may just want to be left alone completely. Or, it can be overwhelming having all these people asking how they can help. You know that no one can take your pain away. Just remember that people usually want to help because they love you, they love the person who died, or both. Helping you, even in the smallest of ways, is also helping them to heal. Here are a few ways to accept or ask for help.
Errands
If you don’t feel up to buying groceries, picking up dry cleaning, post office runs, etc., allow a friend or family member to do it for you. These mundane everyday tasks may seem annoying to pass off, but if it gives you one less thing to worry about, most people would be more than happy to do it. Like I said, doing something for you, anything at all, is going to help them to feel useful in an impossible situation. It helps you and it helps them.
Childcare
Being a parent faced with sudden grief adds an extra wrinkle to your grief journey. The kids are probably mourning, too, which makes you want to hide your feelings to help them with theirs. You don’t want your kids affected any more than they have to be. This means that you need some time alone to process your own emotions. When you’re alone, you can cry, scream, punch pillows, whatever you need to do. The kids could also use some distraction time, too. Have a trusted adult take them to a park, an arcade, or anywhere where they can blow off some steam.
Food prep
As a whole, humankind loves food. If someone is going through something difficult, be it a surgery, an illness, or grief, our first instinct is almost always to bring food. Takeout, freezer meals, cookies, and casseroles are popular go-tos. When you’re going through sudden grief, allow people to fill your fridge, freezer, and stomach with food that they lovingly prepared or bought. It’s another thing you won’t have to worry about, and it helps you to take care of yourself, too.
Let them keep you company
Remember that isolating yourself is only going to cause you further pain. I’m not saying you always have to have someone by your side, but allow people to spend time with you. You can open up to them if you feel comfortable, but you don’t have to. You could just small talk. Or you could watch a movie or a sports game. Trust me, spending time with people who care about you will help you through the most painful parts of this journey.
Remember That Your Love Never Ends, even if Grief Fades
I remember when I wanted to hold onto every ounce of my grief after my mom died. It felt like that was all I had left of her. That wasn’t true. I’ve learned a few things after dealing with grief. You can still miss them and be happy at the same time. Grief is NOT all that’s left. The memories you have are things that can’t be taken away. Your love doesn’t end when you start to allow joy back into your life. Loving your life is the greatest tribute to them. It’s okay to move on when you’re ready to. They loved you, too, which means that they want you to be happy. If you’re still in the shock phase of sudden grief, then I know it’s too early to be thinking about happiness. Just know that when you do start to feel happy again, it’s okay to allow it.
I’m so very sorry that you’re dealing with sudden grief. It’s the most physically and emotionally painful thing you may ever have to go through. Take care of yourself. Let yourself feel it. Allow others to help you through it. Eventually, you can honor your loved one by living your life to the very fullest.
All my love!