All of us have had trouble with self-esteem at some point. I don’t think anyone can make it through both middle and high school without some blows to our self-image. Even the mean girl that had to make everyone else look bad did so because of her own self-esteem issues. There were the nerdy kids who didn’t want to meet anyone’s gaze because they would probably see people laughing at them. The jocks had to be sure to hang out with exactly the right people, otherwise they might be made fun of, something their insecurity simply couldn’t handle. We were all so excited to get out of that stage because then, we’d finally feel comfortable in our own skin. Then we wake up to crow’s feet and turn in our 401ks to buy every anti-wrinkle product out there. This is why I wanted to discuss self-esteem and aging.
For those that don’t know, I’m a nurse at an endoscopy center. I love my job because I get to connect with so many people during the day. Once in a while, I get to be the person who gets people through their fears. There are some things that I cannot help in the short window of time that I have with patients. Those people leave a lasting impression on me. When prepping a patient, we have to have them take their dentures out for safety reasons. Most do it without hesitation. So much so that I don’t really think too much about it when I ask them to do so.
Lucy
Then there was Lucy (not her real name, don’t HIPAA me, people!). I asked Lucy to take her dentures out before the procedure, and I swear to you all, all the color drained out of her beautiful face. As I’m holding the denture cup for her, she looks at me with pleading eyes, “Oh, can’t I leave them in?” I explain why she can’t. She takes them out and immediately covers her mouth with her blanket. She proceeds to speak to everyone else, the gastroenterologist, the anesthesiologist, and the nurse anesthetist from behind her blanket mask. Friends, my heart broke. Her self-esteem was so tied to having her teeth in that she couldn’t fathom anyone seeing her in a different light.
I was so taken aback by Lucy’s reaction that I couldn’t say anything. Lucy, if you’re out there, I wish I could tell you that your dentures aren’t what makes you beautiful. Your sweet nature, loving soul, and our inner and outer beauty are what make you beautiful. It changed the way I ask people to take their dentures out. You taught me something, and for that, I thank you. It’s also the biggest reason I wanted to write about self-esteem and aging, and the rocky relationship those two things have with each other.
The Science Behind Self-Esteem
All right, I have to admit that I’m kind of a nerd when it comes to biology and physiology. That’s one of the big reasons that nursing appealed to me. I love knowing how all our body systems work together to make us who we are. Our bodies are just so freaking incredible! So, when researching self-esteem and aging, I came across this article by BetterAging.com. It highlighted some of the science behind self-esteem, and I was hooked!
Not surprisingly, self-esteem starts in our brain. When we have happy, positive thoughts, this activates our prefrontal cortex, which, in turn, starts lighting up all the circuits that make us feel good. This lowers cortisol (the stress hormone) and increases serotonin (our body’s happy juice). A healthy serotonin level can increase our creativity and attention span. It can also increase our brains’ speed, making processing things a lot faster. Then, when we’re creative, that is a self-esteem boost all on its own. When we have negative thoughts (for example, “I’m fat and ugly”), the opposite happens. Our cortisol increases, decreasing our serotonin. This begins a vicious circle of low serotonin, which lowers our self-esteem even more.
How Self-Esteem Changes Over Time
Self-esteem and aging are things that are being talked about and researched more. Going back to the article from Better Aging, most people go through expected periods of higher and lower self-esteem. Those in adolescence tend to have lower self-esteem. The fluctuations in hormones and physical changes of puberty can make it a lot harder to feel good about ourselves. It’s relentless! I’m sure we all remember a time or two where, even if we were happy with our appearance, a random zit popped up at the tip of our nose just as we were about to leave for a dance.
Then, we graduate from high school. Freedom! We survived! Wait, now we have to get a job? Go to college? What are we going to do with our lives? Some people have it all figured out. I’m going to go to college for four years, get a career I love, get married, and then have 2-3 children. Some have no idea, but it’s comfortable working at the same job they have been since they got their driver’s license. Life will figure itself out. Self-esteem tends to take a lot of hits at us. A failed class means the plan is already off track. Maybe you’re three years into pre-med and realize that you hate medicine. What if you get pregnant freshman year? Or that comfortable job you’ve been at for the last five years shuts down? Job losses, more bodily changes (yay, slower metabolism!), and comparing our lives to those that have it “all figured out” can alter our self-image. How many of us made mental checklists of everything we wanted to accomplish by age 30? I know I did. That was a whole lot of failure! And a whole lot of unnecessary pressure I put on myself.
Okay, but when does it get better?
Now, we’re middle-aged. According to the Better Aging article, this is where most people have the best levels of self-esteem. We’re settled in our careers, even getting close to retirement. If we had kids, they’re grown and onto their own lives, while still including us. Maybe we’re grandparents now! Basically, this age group has the most control over how their lives turn out. We’re comfortable, or at least at peace, with how our lives have turned out.
Unfortunately, then we get to our elderly age. Since we’re talking about self-esteem and aging, you can probably guess where this is going. The Better Aging article says that self-esteem can take several hits as we age. Health issues can make it harder to enjoy life. Retirement often means living on a fixed income. Kids are grown, and maybe we don’t get to see them as much. It can be harder to get out of the house to see friends and family. Sometimes it can be hard to take care of ourselves. All these factors play into how we see ourselves.
Grief also plays a role. When our loved ones die, it gives us a glimpse into our mortality. Maybe it was your spouse who died, throwing your life into a lot of turmoil. How can someone you’ve seen every morning just be gone now? Having a constant source of love and affection disappear can also affect your self-esteem. For help on grief, please check out this post I wrote.
Why Self-Esteem and Aging Are So Important
We know the science. We know how self-esteem changes over time. What does that mean for self-esteem and aging? As most know, cognition tends to decrease as we age, with or without being full-blown dementia. Cortisol has something to do with that. It’s meant to help. Cortisol is very important for maintaining homeostasis during times of stress.
Unfortunately, when cortisol levels remain elevated, it can cause damage. Better Aging says that it can have lasting effects on our brains. Chronically low self-esteem increases cortisol. I don’t know about you, but I do feel stressed when my self-esteem is lower (which is almost always). “Are they talking about me? Ugh, why am I so dumb? I really hate my hair!”
After years of low self-esteem and aging on top of it, our cortisol levels are consistently high. This makes it harder to lose weight (another common self-esteem factor). Our brains work more slowly. Health issues like diabetes and heart disease are linked to higher cortisol levels. Those types of health concerns further elevate our stress, making all those issues even worse. Like I said earlier, that’s the vicious cycle at play again.
This is where our bodies aren’t so amazing. Cortisol works to keep our bodies working in times of stress, but too much can do us harm.
How to Increase Your Self-Esteem
Luckily, there is hope. Even if you’ve had low self-esteem your entire life, you can still turn it around. I’m going back to the Better Aging article one more time to talk about a few of their suggestions. Please be sure to check out the article for more advice.
Hygiene
Who doesn’t love a day spent in Pjs? I’m actually having one right now as I write this! It’s comfortable, but doesn’t do much to boost your self-esteem. When you consistently decide to forgo your hygiene routine, you’re not going to feel good. So, even if you have no plans for the day, bathe, dress, and brush your teeth and hair. If it’s only for yourself, that’s perfectly fine. Look at yourself all cleaned up and see what that does to your self-image.
Volunteer and/or mentor
You have a lifetime of experience, probably plenty of both good and bad. Give some of that back. Volunteer at a soup kitchen to give some down-on-their-luck people some much-needed kindness. If they ask for it, maybe some life advice as well. If you’ve raised children, go encourage new parents that the teething phase and terrible twos do end eventually. You could do so on online forums or even at the grocery store. Who hasn’t seen a temper tantrum by a kid with an exasperated and embarrassed parent standing by? Don’t be afraid to smile at the parent and tell them that they’re doing fine. What about new grads who are just starting their career in the field you retired from? Giving them some tips or encouragement can do wonders for their self-esteem as well as your own. Show the world that you still have a lot to offer. Making a few friends along the way doesn’t hurt either.
Keep up with your hobbies
Hobbies are a great way to maintain, or even improve, your self-esteem. Whether its crafts, baking, golf, fishing, gardening, woodworking or anything else, your hobbies are an important part of who you are. Bonus points if its something that can help you build or maintain friendships. More bonus points if its something you can sell to allow the endorphin rush of having someone love your work enough to buy it!
If you need more help, feel free to download the worksheets I made up for this very thing!
YOU Are Beautiful Just the Way You Are
Low self-esteem and aging don’t have to go hand in hand. You’ve lived a life. Life is hard and cruel at times. You may have a few battle scars. There may be a few wrinkles, a mouth full of dentures, and a head of gray hair. Some health issues may have caught up with you. You may not be able to move as much as you used to. You don’t need miracle creams or treatments. Just accept yourself as you are and don’t let anyone else take that from you. You are beautiful, just as you are.
-All my love!
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very well done.