So, you love someone that has a mental illness. Maybe it’s your significant other or maybe a sibling, child, parent or a close friend. If it’s someone you spend a lot of time with (and care a great deal about), you will probably end up being a big part of their mental health support system.
This is an important role. You may not have signed up for it, but here you are. Watching your loved one suffer and struggle with mental illness is really, really hard. You see them waging war on their own mind. Sometimes they win and they’re okay for a while. But then sometimes they lose and they retreat into themselves. There are good days and bad days, even good hours and bad hours. It’s a whirlwind to keep up with their ever changing moods. Sometimes you might be afraid to do or say anything, because you don’t want to upset them.
It’s hard to know what to say, what to do, or how to help at all. This post is meant to encourage and support YOU as well as give you some (hopefully) valuable insight into what they might find helpful. Here are 10 things to keep in mind.
#1: If you don’t know how to help, ask.
What helps me might not help them. What worked one day might not work another day. Mental illness is ever-changing. One minute they could be crying on the couch, the next, they could be pacing furiously around the living room. Or, probably even more likely, they have a fake smile plastered on their face and say they’re okay. But, since you know them, you can tell that they’re not. Maybe it’s a subtle fidget, a fleeting faraway look, or some other sign. Now what do you do?
Just ask
I know, I know, it sounds stupidly simple, but really, it’s the best way. Say something along the lines of, “Hey, I know you’re struggling right now. I really want to help, what can I do that will make you feel better?” If they still insist that they’re fine, don’t push too hard. Offer one suggestion. Do you want to watch a movie? Want to go for a walk? Can I get you a cup of tea? They will know what you’re trying to do and appreciate the fact that you care enough to help them without them having to ask.
Distraction is key
If you know they have trouble figuring out what will help them, try simple distraction techniques. Things like idle small talk, talking about a big news story (as long as it’s not going to get them more worked up) or their favorite TV show can be really helpful. You could also ask silly questions like “If you could only bring five things on vacation, what would they be?” or “What’s the first thing you would do if you won a million dollars?”
It may not work for a long time, but sometimes it’s really helpful to get them to think about something, anything, other than how depressed or anxious they are.
Reassurance can be a lifeline
A mentally ill person will most likely have some sort of self-esteem issue, even if they don’t admit it. Reassurance is a big part of mental health support. Telling them (even if you have a hundred times) things like you love them, that they’re appreciated and that they are a good person can be exceedingly comforting. It can be something as simple as saying, “You’re such an incredible person.”
Sometimes, they can be so laser-focused on one bad moment that they think of themselves as a failure. For example, maybe your wife is having a bad day with the kids. No matter what she says, they just won’t listen. She eventually gets overwhelmed and yells at them. Later on, you find her curled up in a ball on the bed, crying because of what a terrible mother she is. It may seem silly to you, because God knows, parenting has very frustrating days. But, instead of brushing it off, try to sit with her and remind her of all the good things she has done with the kids. Does she come up with fun activities to keep the kids from getting bored? Does she plan fun day trips? Is she teaching them good values and how to be a good human? Remind her of that.
Remind them of their strength
You probably have some sort of idea what goes through their minds on a daily basis. It takes a whole lot of strength to live a semi-normal life with a mental illness. Just getting out of bed in the morning feels impossible sometimes. Yet, they do it. Be sure to acknowledge how strong they are for doing what needs to be done, no matter how hard it is. It’s not easy to feel strong when dealing with the bad days of a mental illness. Hearing that someone sees their struggle and admires their strength can do wonders for them.
#2: Never underestimate the power of simply being there
If there is one thing that almost every single mentally ill person feels, at least at some point, it’s lonely. Their illness is completely inside their own mind. A mind that is constantly attacking itself. It makes it really hard to understand what’s going on and even harder to explain it to someone else. Sometimes, they may not even know how they feel at that moment.
Since this is such a confusion mess of emotions and feelings, it’s really easy to withdraw into yourself. It’s also common to feel completely alone. You’d be surprised at how much your presence can mean to someone that’s exhausted from fighting their illness all day (and night). Just simply sit next to them, offer a gentle touch (if they’re okay with that) and say something like, “I can see you’re struggling today. Can I just sit with you for a while?”
Don’t pressure them into talking if they don’t want to. Don’t be offended if they’d rather be alone. Sometimes just acknowledging their struggle can make a huge difference for them. The fact that someone can see them fighting, even if they don’t understand, is huge. Knowing that someone cares so much about them is a vital part of mental health support.
#3: Always remind them that there are better days ahead
When someone is in the midst of an extreme depressive episode or a high anxiety moment, it can feel like that’s just how they’re going to feel forever. It can be very difficult to look back or forward towards better times. It can seem like they’ve stopped fighting all together. Their mental illness has taken complete control.
Remember to ALWAYS watch for signs of suicidal ideation. Click on this link to read the signs to look for from the Mayo Clinic. Look at the top or bottom of this page for the number to the National Suicide Prevention hotline.
As a mental health support person, it’s important to remind them that this is a temporary feeling. While their illness will always be with them, there are going to be good days and bad days. They’re just having a bad day. Remind them of times that it wasn’t so bad. Share a good memory of when you both had so much fun that you couldn’t stop smiling. Tell them that you’re there to offer all the mental health support you can give, but that they have to keep fighting to get back to a better place. Again, remind them that they are in fact strong enough to fight back. Feel free to read my posts on coping with depression and learning coping skills for anxiety. Share the tips you feel may be helpful to them
#4: Never ignore or invalidate their feelings
I know it’s hard to know what to say or do when someone is really struggling. You ask what’s wrong and, a lot of times, they don’t even know. They might not know how you could help them. They may even feel like they just can’t be helped. I know that it has to be frustrating for you to just not know what to do. But the very worst thing you could possibly do to them is pretend that you don’t notice them falling apart. It makes them feel unseen, uncared for and it could very well make them lose trust in you.
As I mentioned, mental illness is incredibly lonely. They can’t explain the thoughts in their head or why they feel so anxious or depressed. A lot of times, there isn’t going to be a reason. But they are suffering. So. Much. You’re not going to have the words to make it disappear. No one does. You don’t know how bad they feel. But, you don’t have to understand what they’re going through to offer mental health support. Just acknowledging that you see them struggling can make a huge impact.
Just tell them you see them
I can’t tell you how much it means to me when I’m having a rough day and someone notices. I love to try to pretend that I’m the picture of stoicism and no one will ever know that anything is wrong ever. I’m not sure why I do it. A lot of times, I’m actually pretty good at it (I wish I could just tell people that I’m having a rough day, but instead, they have to beat it out of me. Fun for all, right?).
But, then there are those really dark days where I just can’t hide it. It means the world to me when someone simply asks if I’m okay. The fact that they see me and care enough to tell me that they noticed is an incredible relief to me (so why the hell do I hide it at all? I guess I’m just a glutton for punishment.).
Always remember that if someone does open up to you, never brush it off. It most likely took a whole lot of courage to even bring it up. It could be something that seems so minor or so silly to you, but it’s something that’s causing them a great deal of turmoil. Keep in mind that a little empathy can go a long way. Also, remember that for every single thing they do talk to you about, there are probably quite a few more that they don’t. Don’t break their trust by invalidating something that may seem insignificant to you.
#5: Remember that they don’t want to feel this way.
Most people have a logical side of their brain that fights with an illogical one. One of the most frustrating parts about mental illness is that their logical side is far less powerful than the mentally ill (illogical) side. The two sides are fighting. Every second. Of every day. The person rationally knows that something so insignificant shouldn’t cause them to feel so much doom.
But it still does.
They know that things can change every day. They know that they’re still fighting their way towards better days and that those better days are coming. There is no reason to feel like all hope is lost.
But they still do.
Keep in mind that if they could just turn it off, they would. I wish more people understood that. This is not an attention-seeking tactic. This is an illness. It may seem like silly neurotic behavior to you, but it is a real struggle for them. Don’t ridicule them for their “mental illness quirks.”
Sometimes the simplest of decisions are really hard for me when I’m feeling anxious. I remember one instance where a group of friends met us at an outdoor ice cream place. It was just about to start raining, but my daughter (I only had one at the time) really wanted ice cream. Someone left it up to me to decide if we should stay or go. For the life of me, I could not decide. The longer it took, the more they started teasing me and the more anxious I felt. I’m sure it seemed pretty funny to them, and I know they meant no harm, but I felt so embarrassed and ashamed for letting my anxiety do that to me.
#6: Remember that they’re not mad at you if they lash out
Unfortunately for everyone, irritability is a very common symptom of both anxiety and depression. You just want to help, but it seems like everything you do makes them mad. You might feel like you’re walking on egg shells around them. I know it’s hard that all you’re trying to do is be the mental health support that you both know they need, but you just seem to make them angrier.
It’s not you. I promise.
Mental illness is EXHAUSTING. Even on their best days, they know that their mind is trying to find a way to bring them down. Being at war with your own mind is never an easy fight. It’s frustrating, to say the least. Sometimes that frustration needs an escape route. You may be on the receiving end of that frustration on more than one occasion. Remember that they do appreciate you, even if they can’t show it at the moment. Mental health support sometimes may mean taking on the role of a verbal punching bag. Keep in mind though, that it should never cross the line into verbal or physical abuse.
#7: Mental health support should go both ways. Open up to them, too!
I am 100% guilty of expecting people to open up to me while I keep myself closed off to anyone and everyone. And yes, I get offended when they talk to other people before me. I mean, why wouldn’t they feel comfortable opening up to me? They know that I like dogs and wine, so shouldn’t they tell me their inner most secrets and fears?
It took an embarrassing amount of self-reflection to realize that I was the problem there. I was expecting these deep, meaningful relationships while keeping my true self hidden in this façade of stoic “perfection.” It was just too scary for me to open up to people. But, the truth is, all that did was make my own mental health issues worse and alienated some people that used to be close to me.
Once I got over myself and started opening up about some things to people, a whole new world opened up. I realized that true friends didn’t judge you for your struggles, they just wanted to help you. Just like I wanted to help them.
Try to tell your loved one about some personal struggles you’re going through. This will help build their trust so that they feel more at ease talking to you. It also distracts them so that they can think about something else other than what their mental illness is doing to them at that particular moment. When someone tells me about a problem they’re having, it helps me forget about my issues (at least a little).
#8: Be sure that you’re taking care of you, too
You can get very wrapped up in being the best mental health support that you can be. So much so that you might forget to look out for your own health. It’s very, VERY difficult to care or someone that’s mentally ill. There are ups and downs and mood swings and sudden shifts of clinginess and the need to be alone. It’s really hard to keep up with what version your loved one is at the moment.
You might feel like you’re always on your toes, walking on egg shells. This can do a number on your own mental health. Be sure you’re paying attention to your own well-being. Take care of yourself in mind, body and spirit. Caregiver fatigue is a very real thing. If you burn yourself out, it’s not going to be good for you or the person you’re taking care of. The Mayo Clinic put together a good article on the stress of being a caregiver. It explains the signs and symptoms of caregiver fatigue and offers helpful advice on how to cope.
#9: Remember that you’re human. It’s okay to get frustrated
It is incredibly important to remember that YOU ARE HUMAN. You have limits on how much you can take. It’s okay for you to take some time for yourself. It’s okay for you to tell your loved one that you need a break. If they’re really pushing your buttons today, just tell them you need some alone time. There are going to be times when you can’t take anymore and lash out at them. You may feel super guilty about it, but try not to beat yourself up. Apologize to them for losing it, but then tell them you need some time to cool down.
They might make you feel even worse at first. Remember that self-esteem issues are often a symptom of both anxiety and depression. They may feel like they let you down or failed or just suck as a human being. It may seem like you made everything worse by blowing up. It’s okay. Remind them that you love them. Tell them that you’re not mad at them, but at their mental illness for doing this to them. It’s always a good idea to simply talk it out. You’ll both feel a lot better.
You’ve been put under an enormous amount of pressure and it’s only natural that it will get the best of you sometimes. Again, you’re human, not a robot, not a super hero. Do your best to walk away before lashing out, but try not to be so hard on yourself if you do. Everything is fixable if you handle it correctly.
#10: It is NEVER okay for them to hurt you in any way.
As awful and terrible and horrible it is to be inflicted with a mental illness, that is never, EVER and excuse to hurt someone. That goes double for the person that is offering them mental health support. Unfortunately, the people that are closest to the sufferer usually do end up as a scapegoat of sorts, at least once in a while. They may be snappy at you. They may seem like they are almost always in a terrible mood (because they are). But, even mentally ill, they are still responsible for their own actions and behaviors. This means that they are responsible for how they treat people, how they treat YOU
Disrespect
No matter how awful they may feel, you should never feel like they disrespect you. Like I’ve said before, you are a huge part of their mental health support system. You DO NOT owe that to them. They need to recognize that you’re doing it out of pure love. Yes, they’ll get snippy. They might not always apologize for that (even though they should). But, if you find that they are constantly ridiculing you, insulting you, or making you feel bad, that needs to stop. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. You’re entitled to your feelings and you should feel loved by the person that you are showing SO much love to.
Taking advantage of you
Similar to disrespect, you shouldn’t feel taken advantage of. If your entire relationship revolves around how they may be feeling at that particular time, that’s not fair to you. While they do need extra TLC, the relationship should still be a two-way street. They should also care about you. How your day went should matter to them. Your personal goals should be important to them. You have feelings that could be hurt, bad days or things that are bothering you. They should be asking about them and trying to help YOU feel better, too. Remember, you are not their paid psychiatrist, you are their spouse/friend/etc. That goes both ways.
Abuse you
I really, really hate to admit this, but in the spirit of transparency, I’m going to. Sometimes, when I’m in the middle of a panic attack, I fly into a rage. Not just stomping my foot or yelling (though I do that, too), but I’m overwhelmed by the need to do SOMETHING. I’m usually able to get myself to a place where I can be alone to throw things, kick things or punch pillows. If I’m not able to, I have been known to throw things or open doors just so that I can SLAM them in front of husband or kids.
But, one things that I can say is that I’ve never, EVER hit my husband or my children. I may have pushed past my husband a little too roughly, which is also NOT okay, but that’s the extent. It’s an extremely intense feeling of completely irrational white hot rage, but I can still control myself. I’m not saying that throwing things is okay either. If I scared my kids in the process, I try to remember to apologize to them.
No one should be hitting you or doing anything that could physically hurt you. No one should be saying things that they know would hurt your feelings. It doesn’t matter how intense they’re feeling. Even if it was you that pissed them off, that is never an excuse to hurt you.
Mental health support is super important, but also super difficult
Again, I know you didn’t sign up for this. The person suffering didn’t either. It’s a complicated balance because it can be so very hard on both of you. They may feel guilty or burdening you, no matter how many times you’ve reassured them that they aren’t. It might frustrate you that they continue to try to handle things on their own, since you desperately want to help them. It’s hard for you to watch them suffer. It’s hard for them to know what they need. It’s a constant back and forth. It can be (will be) overwhelming, confusing and downright frustrating for both of you.
The biggest thing that you have to remember is that you love them and they love you. On the bad days, the terrible days, the good days and the great days, you love each other. There will be mistakes. You’ll say the wrong thing. They’ll get offended a little too easily. You’re both human. Just remind yourself and each other that you’re doing the best you can in a situation that neither of you asked for or would ever want.
Remember that, even on the worst days, it will always get better. And then worse again. And then better again. There is no crazier roller coaster in the entire world than that of mental illness. I’m so proud of you for loving your person through it all.
All my love!
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