Happy Mental Health Awareness Month!
Did you know that May is Mental Health Awareness Month? I figured actually launching this blog during Mental Health Awareness Month would be a great idea (Yes….it is May 31, cutting it a bit close, huh?). It wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t have a post, specifically for parents. Because GOOD LORD, our mental health gets tested.
The other day, I was having one of those moments. My 5-year-old just tripped over one of the thousands of toys littering my living room floor (what color is my carpet again?), spilling her entire cup of milk and getting the slightest bit of rug burn on her knee. While she’s screaming from this obviously life-threatening injury, my toddler somehow climbed on top of the dining room table and is getting ready to jump. Meanwhile, my dog is suddenly pacing furiously, like if he didn’t get let out that instant, he was going to burst, probably mixing dog pee with the milk. All of this happened in the exact same minute. What the heck do I do first?
I grabbed the toddler off the table (screaming ensues), hugged my 5-year-old and told she could go get a Band-Aid (she usually only gets them if she’s bleeding, but WANTS one for every bump, scrape, semi-discomfort-causing-boo-boo). She miraculously loses her limp as she races off to the bathroom. The dog gets let out and I start stomping on the milk spill with some paper towel. Toddler forgets about her temper tantrum and giggles as she also stomps her tiny feet on the paper towel. Older daughter comes back with the magical instant cure Pikachu Band Aid on her knee (not quite where the rug burn even is, but I’m sure as hell not going to tell her) and also wants in on the new paper towel stomp game. Whew, all three crises averted.
We all have those moments. A LOT
That moment got me thinking about how every single parent probably has those moments all the time. Somehow, we always pull off what seems impossible at the moment. We’re freaking super heroes! When that tiny baby was placed in our arms, we probably all the same terrifying thought. It was on us to keep this tiny being alive.
Fast forward to the toddler years and we’re wondering why no one told us that while we’re trying to keep these little people alive, it seems that they have a death wish. My toddler is Evel Knievel. I have no doubt that she would happily try to jump the Grand Canyon on her ride-along Minnie Mouse airplane.
Parenting and mental health
It can be overwhelming. Not just the death-defying stunts, though that would be enough. There’s also behavior issues, boundary-pushing, temper tantrums. Mix that with the stress, the guilt, the exhaustion and the constant worry about everything.
We’re going to talk a little about the things that are somewhat taboo: the hard parts of parenting. Let’s start with a disclaimer, since society lets out a gasp of horror every time a parent says they’re having a rough day. Parenting is wonderful. We all love our kids more than life itself. But it’s perfectly okay to admit that parenting is also really hard, sometimes bordering on impossible. Since it’s Mental Health Awareness Month, let’s all try to show parents (and everyone) a little grace.
Guilt
Parenting guilt. Uggghhhhh, I don’t think any parent can escape this one entirely. Whether you work or stay home, it doesn’t matter. Those kids are the center of your world and they’re going to make sure you remember that. How many times have you finally sat down on the couch to scroll through Facebook or Pinterest when one of your kids (or more) came up to you to give you the puppy dog eyes, “Can you play with me?” Or hear wails of grief as you’re leaving the kids with a babysitter so you can go out with your spouse or friends for the first time in God knows how long? It breaks your heart and fills you with guilt. My 5-year-old is constantly reminding me how much time I spend at work and NOT with her.
Society and Parent-Shaming
If that wasn’t bad enough, society itself is always trying really hard to make parents feel guilty about their choices. Do you breastfeed? Don’t you dare be proud of it, because there are a lot of moms that can’t! If you formula feed, you just didn’t give breastfeeding enough of a chance and your kids are going to suffer because of it! Was that a McDonald’s Happy Meal? Call CPS! If you make all organic, made completely from scratch meals, maybe you should be spending more time with your kids instead of in the kitchen!
It really doesn’t matter what you do, someone is going to think you’re doing it wrong. I think at some point, every parent thinks they’re doing it wrong themselves. And Heaven forbid if you try to vent about your hard days of parenting. We hear things like:
“You should be grateful you even have kids!”
“There are a lot of parents that have it worse than you.”
“Children are a blessing. You don’t know how lucky you are.”
“You’ll miss this when they’re grown and out of your house.”
“It goes so fast. Enjoy it while it lasts.”
I know a lot of these are meant to be uplifting, helpful, or a bit of tough love. But when a parent comes to you to vent about the millionth time they stepped on a LEGO they asked their child to put away or the struggles of getting their child to eat, please allow them to.
Parenting is as hard as it is wonderful. Parents should be supported and allowed to discuss their concerns or frustrations without judgment. The above statements are only going to make the parent feel isolated and add to their guilt.
Quick Disclaimer
That being said, I, in absolutely no way, want to diminish anyone else’s pain. I know there are a whole lot of people that are having trouble conceiving the child they so desperately want. There are a lot of incredible would-be parents out there that don’t have children for whatever reason. Parents, you need to choose your audience. If a friend is struggling with infertility or recently had a miscarriage, they’re not the person to talk to about another sleepless night with your healthy baby. If your sister has a child with severe mental retardation, she may not be the best person to complain to about your child’s inability to stop asking questions about everything.
Stress
Going back to the whole balance think, if there is one thing trying to balance it all perfectly accomplishes, it’s stress. Parenting stress, mixed with everyday grown-up stress, with a few generous handfuls of work stress is the perfect recipe for one extremely stressed out mom and dad. Our to-do list grows longer with every item we cross of it. Even if we decided to give up sleep for the rest of our lives, we STILL wouldn’t have the time to get it all done. Maybe by the time our girls are in college, we’ll finally finish painting the hallway, so that we can finally hang the pictures I want to, so that we can finally get rid of that big box of framed pictures…you see what I mean? Getting things done always leads to more stuff to do!
As an anxious person, I feel like every single thing is urgent, so it’s really hard to prioritize. I love to write lists, but there is often too many things on it to be realistically doable. My toddler is going to be 2 in August and I still have a half-finished “pre-baby to-do list” on my fridge. She has obviously survived with it half done, but it still stresses me out whenever I look at it.
Stress and expectations
Stress is often caused by unrealistic expectations. When we make so many plans that sound great at the time, a lot of times, we don’t take into account how long something is actually going to take us. A good example of that is when you try to follow a recipe. The prep time says 15 minutes. That may be true if you have your ingredients laid out and prepared (chopped, shredded, etc.) in advance, all your measuring tools at the ready and all your appliances in pristine working condition. In reality, the prep time would be AT LEAST doubled for me.
When something doesn’t go as planned, it leads to stress, guilt and anger. Good Lord, this blog has taken me over three years to launch because I just couldn’t get a handle on it. I spent a lot of time being angry at myself for my lack of discipline and time management skills. There are so many times where I feel like I’m running in circles, trying to do everything and accomplishes nothing, which then adds to my stress.
The point is, we often stress ourselves out because we want have this idea of the finished project. A spotless house, a perfect successful career (cough cough, a blog), the list goes on and on. We get so wrapped up in what has to be done that we don’t see the progress that we’ve made. A small step forward is a whole lot better than just thinking of what the finish line could look like.
Exhaustion
This is an easy one for all parents to relate to, too. Those kids sure know how to find any hidden reserves of energy and drain it before you even know what happened. Whether it’s a newborn that’s needs to eat every two hours or a high-schooler that plays multiple sports, kids are exhausting.
Guilt and stress only add to the exhaustion. When I get home from work, I’m drained physically and mentally. But, the 5-year-old has been waiting all day to play with me and the toddler holds her arms up to me and urgently says, “Up!” Luckily, I can usually escape to take a quick shower and reenergize myself for a little playtime while my husband cooks dinner. You do what you have to do to.
Take Care of Yourself!!
I could spout off all sorts of self-care quotes because there are so many great ones. That’s because self-care is so very important. It’s also something that is very neglected, especially by parents. We get so wrapped up in everything we have to do, while stressing about spending enough time with our kids, that we put ourselves on the back burner. One thing I’ve learned in my short time as a parent is that the less time you give yourself, the more burnt out you’re going to get. All that does is lead to more stress, guilt and exhaustion. How many times have you snapped at your kids because you reached the end of your rope? I know I have. A lot. Guilt train express.
It’s vitally important that you find something that’s just for you. Start small. A quick walk around your neighborhood alone, a required cup of uninterrupted coffee or even just an extra-long shower. Get a babysitter for an hour or two so that you can concentrate on something that is entirely yours, even if it’s just a movie that you’ve been wanting to see. When you’re taking care of yourself, try not to let that guilt in. You’re going to be a much more relaxed parent that is more in the moment with your kids. Trust me, they need you to take care of yourself.
Since this is the last day of Mental Health Awareness Month, check in on your own mental health. If you’re not okay, change something so that you are. Get some help if you need it. Take time for yourself. Your kids desperately need you to be okay. Do it for them as much as for you.
All my love!