Happy 2024! This is my first post of the brand-new year! How are you feeling about it? Excited? Hopeful? Maybe a little anxious? There’s often this unspoken pressure to do something big or better ourselves in some way when the new year strikes. But, there’s a reason why a lot of New Year’s resolutions fail. It’s because our self-sabotage sets in and we start thinking horrible thoughts about ourselves. This post is about how to stop the negative self-talk so that we can love ourselves into improvement.
Does this sound familiar? January 1st comes along and we make all these plans and/or resolutions. This is finally going to be the year that I… Before we know it, it’s December 31st again and we’re still in the same place we were before. Only now, we feel like a failure.
This blog is an example of a New Year’s resolution that didn’t quite pan out the way I thought it would. I bought the domain name on January 1st, 2018, filled with hope and expectations that it was going to be a game-changer for all those who suffered from mental illness. My own mental illness got in the way. My anxiety told me I wasn’t good enough. My depression told me it was a waste of time. They both told me that I was an idiot.
I posted very rarely. It would often take days before I would publish a post because I just wanted to read it “one more time” to make sure it was good enough. It was never good enough. I told myself again and again that no one was going to read it. If I hadn’t learned how to stop the negative self-talk, I would’ve given up on my ultimate goal: helping people.
What is Negative Self-Talk?
Negative self-talk can be anything from, “Well, that was a dumb mistake,” to “I’m a loser, unworthy of love and I hate myself.” While it creeps into everyone’s mind at some point, it can be debilitating when it becomes your main inside voice.
Anxiety loves to use negative self-talk to keep us under its control. Even people who don’t have anxiety can be prone to it. There is an awful epidemic of self-loathing and low self-esteem in our world. We can be so concerned with all that we’re not that we completely ignore all that we are!
The Harmful Effects of Negative Self-Talk
I went back to one of my favorite mental health websites, verywellmind.com, and found this article by Elizabeth Scott, PhD about how detrimental negative self-talk can be. She goes into great detail about the different types, but also what they can do to you. I’m going to briefly talk about them, but be sure to read her article. It has a lot of great information in it.
Mental Health Problems
We already know that negative self-talk can take a toll on our mental health, but it can lead to mental illness. People who often took part in this type of mean inner talk had higher instances of depression, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, OCD, social anxiety, and even psychosis.
Increased Stress
When we approach a project already thinking about how hard it will be, how incapable we are, or how much of a failure we’re going to be, it’s going to greatly increase our stress levels. Elizabeth Scott says, “This means that the heightened sense of stress comes from both the perception and the changes in behavior that comes from it.”
Reduced Success
If we go into something already thinking that we’re going to fail at it, it’s going to be that much harder to succeed. Think about a test you took in high school. For me, math was always a struggle. I remember thinking, “I’m terrible at math. I’m not going to pass.” and guess who was the only senior in geometry (usually a sophomore class)? This girl! Positive self-talk can be one of the greatest indicators of success.
Limited Thinking
You’ll end up believing what you tell yourself if that’s the only inner voice you can hear. It doesn’t matter if a million people believe in you. If you don’t believe in yourself, it’s going to be very hard to be successful.
Perfectionism
If it isn’t perfect, it’s not good enough. This incredibly damaging way of thinking almost always stalls people in their accomplishments. Perfection is impossible. Striving for improvement is healthy. Constantly picking apart everything you do is not. Taking the smallest criticism badly is not. If either of those things make you feel like you should quit something that you used to be passionate about, you’re going to have a hard time reaching your goals.
Relationship Challenges
Negative self-talk, constantly putting yourself down and insecurity can make it hard for your relationships to succeed. It can be exhausting to have to constantly reassure someone of their feelings. We’ve all seen someone who was a little too clingy or needy. But, even worse than that, you could accept terrible treatment because you don’t think you deserve any better. No one deserves to be disrespected or abused, no matter what they may tell themselves.
How to Stop the Negative Self-Talk
So, now we know what it does to us. How do you stop the negative self-talk? How can we stop it from controlling us?
Recognize It
Sometimes just acknowledging the fact that we’re being a jerk to ourselves is enough to stop those thoughts. Would you say it to a loved one? Would you be offended if someone else said it to you? Sometimes anxiety is more at play than you might think. If you’d like, read my post on silencing the bully that is anxiety.
Reframe Your Thoughts
This one isn’t easy, especially in the heat of the moment. But, with some practice, you can get better at changing your thoughts from negative to at least neutral, maybe even positive. For example, if you’re struggling to keep your house clean (guilty!), you might think, “Ugh, this is such a waste of time. I’m a lazy slob that’s never going to have a clean house.” This can change to, “This house is a mess, but I’m going to try my best to work on it!” It could even go to, “I’m going to keep working at it because I deserve to live in a clean house!”
Show Yourself Some Compassion
This is one that I struggle with a lot. It’s hard to give yourself a break when you don’t know how to stop the negative self-talk. Going back to the house-cleaning example, let’s say you were able to clear part of the kitchen counter or sweep/vacuum one part of the house. It’s easy to fall into the trap of looking at all there is left to do, but try to focus on what you DID do. The part you cleaned looks great, and it’s good motivation to keep going until one whole room is clean. Soon it will be the whole house! Above all, tell yourself that you ARE capable and you did get something accomplished. Celebrate the small wins!
Affirmations
If you’re finding it hard to replace negative self-talk with positive, try some affirmations. Find a few that are easy to remember like:
I am worthy.
I am a good person.
I deserve better.
I am doing the best I can.
Having a ready-to-use affirmation can be helpful when the negative self-talk chimes in. For example, if you make a mistake on something, negativity might creep in and say, “God, I’m an idiot.” But pull out the affirmation, “I am doing the best I can” to fight back.
You CAN Learn How to Stop the Negative Self-Talk and Reach Your Goals
So, let’s go back to the original point of this post. We know that negative self-talk can keep us from succeeding. It’s hard to dig ourselves out of self-sabotaging ruts when we never think we can. But once you learn to be nicer to yourself, it’s much easier to open yourself up to new opportunities. Be gentle with yourself. Love yourself because you deserve nothing but happiness!
All my love!