Do you ever feel like if one more thing gets added to your to-do list, you might snap? As parents, we’re thrown so many balls to keep in the air that we’d be a shoo-in for one of those televised talent shows! Our kids always need just one more thing. So does work. So does your extended family, the pets, the house, the car, the lawn, the grocery list, it goes on and on. Oh, and don’t forget to find time for your spouse, your friends, after-work activities, after-school activities, and self-care.
Parents have been expected to be there, to do everything, and to enjoy every single moment of chaos. But, as you put more and more onto your already full plate, you’re going to burn right out. This post is about how to set boundaries as parents so that you get to live your life, too, not everyone else’s.
Boundaries. It’s kind of a buzzword in the world right now, which I love. They’re essential to mental health because having boundaries means that you’re showing yourself love. You need to set these all-important boundaries with your kids and everyone else associated with them such as teachers, other parents, extended family, etc.
Why is it SO Hard to Say No?
Your list of to-dos is endless as a parent. When you have trouble saying no, it can lead to a lot of stress. Saying no seems to come so easily to some, but it’s very hard for others. Most of the difficulty lies in the fear of disappointing others, or being seen as selfish, unhelpful, or lazy.
If you don’t volunteer for every school function, you might feel you’re not doing as much as other parents. Maybe your child wants some over-the-top Pinterest-worthy birthday party that her friend had, but time and financial constraints make that impossible for you. Your soon-to-be high school graduate may have his heart set on an Ivy League school, but you can’t afford it. If you’re constantly feeling guilty for all the no’s you have to give, you may feel obligated to say yes to the things you can, even if it stresses you out.
Are you a people-pleaser? That makes it hard to say no, even to your children. I wrote a separate post about how people-pleasing causes burnout. Check it out here if you’d like. The thing is, your kids HAVE to hear the word no. It’s good to learn how to set boundaries as parents because it gives you some freedom and teaches your kids to respect you and, in turn, themselves.
Why Boundaries Are Important
Learning how to set boundaries as parents is not only important for you, but for your kids. I think learning to say no should be taught early, as well as learning to respect someone saying no. I went to verywellfamily.com and found an article by Katherine Lee. She explains why boundaries are so important for parents to set. I’m going to touch on a few of her reasons here, but please check out the fantastic article she wrote.
Knowing Who is In Charge
Believe it or not, kids tend to feel uncomfortable and insecure if they don’t have clear limits. Think of it this way, if you could easily manipulate your boss into making changes you want, it might be great at first. But, once big decisions need to be made that are beyond your expertise, it might make you feel a little anxious about your boss’s decision-making skills.
This is the person who is supposed to protect the company, your job, and your income. If he’s easily swayed by you, he’s going to be just as easily swayed by people above him. Whether a child realizes it or not, they would feel the same level of insecurity if they can dominate you, the person that’s supposed to be in charge.
Kids Need a Solid Sense of Self
Boundaries teach children that the world doesn’t revolve around them. If you constantly let your child take over your entire world, they’ll start to think they’re entitled to your time. All of it. The same will go for friends, teachers, and even co-workers down the road. My husband and I are working on this all-important boundary right now. If we’re having a conversation and one of our daughters interrupts to because she HAS to show us her drawing RIGHT NOW, we calmly tell her that we’re talking right now and she needs to wait. It’s a work in process because they still do it. A lot. But, we’re trying to be consistent and not allow them to be in the spotlight all the time.
Reducing Conflict
When a kid knows the boundaries and accepts them, it’s going to cut down on temper tantrums when they don’t get their way. Things like backtalk and whining will significantly reduce because kids will eventually realize that they’re just wasting their time and energy. For example, if you have a firm rule about no sugar right before bed, they may cry and argue at first, but the more you hold firm, the more they’ll realize there’s no point in trying. They’re still going to try to push those boundaries from time to time, but keep holding firm.
Boundaries for Others, Too!
Boundaries are important for all the people associated with raising kids, too. You are only one person, but there are people out there who expect you to have the time of 3-4 people. Make sure you work, but then get to the PTA meeting before taking one kid to dance and the other to karate. Also, remember that the fundraising bake sale is tomorrow and you need to bake 20 dozen cookies tonight. You get an hour’s lunch break, right? That’s all we need for you to help set up the bake sale!
Oh, and the field trip needs chaperons, you don’t mind, do you? Don’t forget, we still haven’t gotten a half-a-Saturday commitment for you to run the Girl Scout cookie stand. All we need is one-half Saturday. That will give you plenty of time to get to your child’s best friend’s birthday party for the last half of Saturday. And don’t forget that Sunday play-date at the park!
Enough!
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t volunteer ever or that you should cut out all extra-curricular events. Just be sure that you’re not sacrificing your sanity, or your child’s, trying to do it all. Having time at home is important for you all. You need time where you can just relax and enjoy each other’s company.
It's Okay to Say No
No is probably the least used word in my vocabulary. As a recovering people-pleaser who frequently falls off the bandwagon, I understand how hard it can be. It’s easy to SAY that it’s okay to say no. It’s even easy to say that we can teach people how to set boundaries as parents. In reality, there’s nothing easy about it.
But, what’s one thing that can always motivate good parents to try? When you know that it’s good for your kids in the long run. We’ve all seen adults that have grown up never hearing the word no. They’re the grown adults who, for some reason, think that the world owes them something simply because they want it. We don’t want that for our kids. Kids need to know that they’re not going to get every single thing they want in life. Sometimes, things aren’t going to go their way. Luckily, going back to Katherine Lee’s article, she has some great advice on how to set boundaries as parents.
Establish Effective Communication
While it’s okay to say no to your kids, it’s also okay to listen to their side of things. If they think a rule or a consequence is unfair, tell them that you’ll listen, as long as they’re respectful. Model this behavior by being kind, yet firm, when you explain your side. Even when disciplining, you can be stern, but try not to yell or belittle. Effective communication is a skill that a lot of adults could use, so by beginning to teach it to your kids, you’re doing them a huge favor.
Establish Family Rules
Discuss rules with your whole family so that everyone knows what’s expected. For example, it’s okay to feel angry, but there is a zero tolerance rule for violence. No hitting, kicking, biting, etc. That way, if your child breaks one of these rules, they’ll know they crossed a line. You might even want to post the zero-tolerance rules on the fridge as a reminder.
Keep Instructions Brief
Kids have the attention span of a puppy. They might watch and listen to you for a second or two, but then they’re off to find a new shoe to chew on since you took the first one away. So, just like training a puppy, you need to be clear and concise. “Do not run in the store” is a lot clearer than, “Hey buddy, I’d prefer if you’d stand next to me when we’re shopping because I don’t want you getting lost and I don’t want you running into people or knocking stuff over. So if you could just stay where I can see you, I’d appreciate it!”
Be Consistent
This is a big one. If you’re wishy-washy on boundaries, it’s going to be impossible for kids to respect them. Let’s say your kids are stalling when it comes to bedtime. It gets later and later so you finally say, “Okay, no stories tonight.” Then, the next night they’re behaving the same way and you just don’t have it in you to fight with them, so you give in and read them a story even if it’s past their bedtime. If they got their way once, they’re going to think they can get their way again. And not just for bedtime, but maybe other rules, too.
Follow Through
Just like being consistent, following through is super important. You can’t expect kids to respect rules or boundaries if you’re not following through on the consequences. Let’s go back to the zero-tolerance for violence rule. Kids LOVE pushing their siblings’ buttons. Kid One is being super rude to Kid Two. Kid One is mocking, teasing, and taking Kid Two’s stuff. Kid Two finally has enough and punches Kid One. Even though Kid One may have deserved it a little, you still have to follow through and discipline Kid Two (but tell Kid One that they’re not in the right either).
Be Patient
Just like you’re learning how to set boundaries as parents, the kids are learning how to handle this new way of life. Don’t expect this to be a quick change (for any of you). The kids will mess up and may need a couple of gentle reminders that the next time they break a rule, there will be consequences. Then follow through.
Setting Boundaries for Others
Now, going back to the other people you need to set boundaries with, it’s just as important. You’re still a good parent if you don’t volunteer for every school function. Just because your kid doesn’t have an extracurricular every night doesn’t mean that you’ve failed as a parent. Your kid doesn’t need to be entertained every second of every day. YOU don’t need to sacrifice all your time just because you are a parent.
It’s good for your kids to watch you say no to other people, too. Model this anti-people-pleaser mindset for them so that they know that when they grow up, they can say no, too. They can say no to their friends now, and their friends should respect that.
Don't Let Society Dictate How You Parent
In this highly competitive world, we all want to be the best we can be. There are parents out there who are going to judge you for some of your choices. Some parents are adamant that they only feed their kids organic foods while others are perfectly content to give them McDonald’s Happy Meals once in a while. There are parents who swear by allowing their kids free reign while others are more strict. You are the parents of your children, so only YOU know what’s best for them. I’m sure some of my parenting choices are controversial to some. That’s okay. They work for my family.
Learning how to set boundaries as parents is only going to make the lives of you and your family happier. Find which boundaries you want to set and stick to them. You can do this!
~All my love!