Man oh man, it is hard to be a parent these days. In most households, both parents have to work to make ends meet. That leaves a good portion of parenting up to babysitters, daycare, or school. With the stress of everyday life, it may be hard to notice the little nuances that could signal mental trouble in your kids. How can you help children fight anxiety if you don’t even know that it’s happening? It’s not your fault or your kid’s fault. Kids don’t understand why their mind is suddenly working against them. We’re going to talk about how to help children with anxiety.
The sad truth is that anxiety in kids is a lot more prevalent these days. Or maybe it’s always been there and we’re just learning about it now. If you think back to older days, a temper tantrum was usually handled by a spanking and being sent to their room until they calmed themselves down. What if that temper tantrum was a panic attack? Now, this young child had to learn to cope with intense emotions when he was young and scared.
The good news is that we live in a time when childhood mental illness is being researched. Now there is plenty of help out there to help you learn how to help children with anxiety. Yay! While I’m definitely not an expert on this, I’ve done some research on it because my daughter has anxiety. She’s only six years old.
Anxiety in Young Children
Quick story. Dinnertime has been a source of tension since my oldest daughter learned to pick up a fork. She is a lot of incredibly great things, but an eater is not one of them. We have tried every trick under the sun to get her to eat. Nothing works on this kid. Knowing we’re going into battle every time the dinner plates hit the table, my husband and I feel a sense of dread.
One evening, shortly after our second daughter was born, we were all in a mood. My husband and I were exhausted from the newborn phase and definitely didn’t have it in us to fight. Little did we know that Ava didn’t either. When we grumpily told her to eat her bites, she had a meltdown. An absolute crying, screaming, throwing things meltdown.
Her first ever.
It turns out, she was just as stressed from all the changes that come with a new baby. The only difference was she didn’t understand any of it. She just knew that Mommy and Daddy couldn’t play with her as much. That baby was getting much more attention than she was. As hard as we tried not to let that happen, it did. She never showed any signs of jealousy, but now I know that she was incredibly anxious about the changes. She was scared we didn’t love her as much as her sister.
As time went on, Ava started showing more symptoms. Because of her struggles, I know that there are plenty of other parents out there that desperately want to know how to help children with anxiety.
Signs of Anxiety in Kids
If you have anxiety yourself, you know that it can be very difficult to explain to people that don’t have it. Can you imagine being a kid and trying to explain it? Before we get into how to help children with anxiety, first we need to understand what it could look like. Just like adults, it’s going to look a little different in each kid. Some may have all that I list below, some may have one and some may have something different altogether.
Frequent temper tantrums
Temper tantrums can be difficult to distinguish between anxiety/panic attacks and simply trying to get their way. Once your child has calmed down, ask them why they got so upset. Ava has told me, “I couldn’t help it,” which leads me to think it could be more anxiety-related. Plus, she’s had maybe three her whole life. My youngest daughter has them all.the.time. I think she’s just trying to get her way. Alison Alden wrote an article on anxiety.org about temper tantrums and anxious children.
Bad Dreams
Every kid has bad dreams one in a while. Ava was scared to fall asleep because she had them so frequently. They could be about monsters or other “normal kid stuff.” But sometimes she would have dreams about me not coming home from work. Other times her dreams were so disturbing that she couldn’t talk about them. It breaks my heart to know that she’s being tortured in her sleep because of anxiety.
Irritability
Ah, the grumpies. If you have anxiety yourself, you can definitely relate to this one! It happens to kids, too. They just get so tired of feeling anxious and not being able to communicate their feelings. No matter what you do, you just can’t seem to get a smile out of them. They’re just not happy about anything you or anyone else does.
Irrational Fears
Every child has things they’re afraid of, whether it’s monsters, the dark, etc. Ava had a spell where she was terrified robbers were going to break into the house and steal her most precious toys. I have no idea where it came from. Every night before bed, she would ask, “Did you lock the doors?” “Yes honey, the doors are locked.” “Can you check again?” No matter how many times we reassured her, it was a very real fear for a good amount of time. This is a sign that anxiety is starting to take over.
Separation Anxiety
Whether your kid has had separation anxiety for a while or it’s suddenly there, it’s so hard on both of you. As an adult with separation anxiety, I feel for the kids who have it, too. The fear of not seeing your loved one again is very real. It can make any time you leave your child a nightmare of tears, screams, and a whole lot of guilt for you.
One of the best ways I’ve heard how to help children with anxiety over you leaving is to give them a hug and a reassuring smile. Promise you’ll be back and give them something to look forward to, a treat, a game, a craft, whatever you need to. Then you just have to leave. The longer you linger, the harder it will be for both of you. Try to hold your own tears back until you’re out of their sight. Know that they may cry for a short time, but then they’ll be just fine.
How to Help Your Child with Anxiety at School
Social anxiety! Ugh….this is a tough one, too! Especially nowadays when bullying is so prevalent. How do we protect our kids from being bullied? We can’t follow them around school and intervene every time someone isn’t nice to them. What can we do when we can’t be there for them?
Teach them the skills to stand up for themselves and others.
Honestly, you and I both know that bullying doesn’t end at school. There will be bullies at work, in their neighborhood, at the store, pretty much anywhere they go. For whatever reason, there will always be people that love to make other people miserable. It’s a sad reality.
Your socially anxious child may just need some tools in their pocket for when they meet a bully. They can always walk away. If that doesn’t work, teach your child not to react. Bullies are almost always looking for a reaction to their cruelty. If they stand their ground and do not give in to their treatment, the bully will usually get bored. For example, if a bully is making fun of your kid’s shirt, tell your kid to just shrug and say, “I don’t care if you don’t like it, I do.”
Social Anxiety is More than Bullying
Social anxiety isn’t just about bullies though. It’s about doing things that are super uncomfortable for them. I was that shy kid who knew the answers to questions the teacher asked but was too scared to raise my hand. I mean, what if I was wrong? Then everyone would know how dumb I was.
How many of you dreaded that time when we took turns reading from the textbook? What a terrible way to learn the info. No one was paying attention. Show of hands, how many of you counted kids and then counted sections so that you would know which section you would have to read? Once I figured it out, I would read my section over and over again to “rehearse” it in my head.
Embarrassment and nerves aside, we got through school. Tell your child that he will, too. It’s okay to feel nervous. Feeling uncomfortable is normal. But the more your kid puts himself out there, the more comfortable he’ll feel. Have him make a goal to do one uncomfortable thing a week. It could be answering a question, making a new friend, or even asking a question.
How to Help Children with Anxiety Anywhere
Just like adults, there is no one cure-all for anxiety. But, you know your kid. You know what may or may not work well for her. If you’re not sure, try one, if that doesn’t work, try another one. The goal is not to cure their anxiety, but to help them to find the coping skills to deal with it. There is an added bonus of helping them to feel like you’re there for them and that they don’t have to handle this on their own.
Play
This obviously works better for younger kids. It’s a good way to get kids to roleplay about the things they’re anxious about. If you play with them, you can have the toys work together to find solutions to the things that are bothering them. For example, if your child is afraid of monsters (and they simply don’t believe you that monsters are not real), you could have the toys figure out a scent that monsters hate. Make sure it’s a relaxing scent like lavender. You could then put some lavender in your child’s room to ward off any monsters.
Watch a Video
With a thankfully greater emphasis on mental health in general, I know there are a whole lot of YouTube videos about anxiety. Pick an age-appropriate one and watch it with your child. Be sure to talk with them afterward to see if it was helpful. Here are a few that I liked:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVQIXuX17U0 : This one shows kids how the grounding technique works.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7g8Atv27Q8 : This helps kids learn to manage worry.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70j3xyu7OGw : This vidieo talks about mindfulness in a way that kids can understand.
Watching these with your kids will help them to see that they aren’t so alone in their anxiety. If you have anxiety yourself, you know how isolating it can feel.
Read
This is along the same lines as watching videos. If your child likes when you read to them, find a book that talks about anxiety and how to cope with it. Older kids might feel better reading books alone. Be sure it is age-appropriate. You wouldn’t want to get a teenager a book meant for a kindergartener, otherwise, they could feel like you’re being condescending. I would ask your pediatrician or child psychologist if they have any suggestions. Or just look online for a few suggestions on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Gotta love the reviews from real parents!
Write or Draw
Using a creative process helps unlock the things that people try to bury away. Kids do this, too. But, when you ask them to draw or write about something that worries them, it comes out easier. You can then use that to help them find ways to work on specific fears/anxieties.
Talk
I know from many, MANY attempts talking does not work with my Ava. Maybe it will someday. I’m sure it does work for other kids. Just ask your child if there is something specific they’re worried about. Make sure it’s a comfortable setting. You could say something along the lines of, “Hey, it seems like something’s bothering you. Can you tell me what’s going on? I’d really like to help you.” If they don’t want to talk, don’t push too hard, just remind them that you’re there if they do. This is a good time to remind them how much you love them and how much you want them to be happy.
Things to Remember
There is an article on WebMd that gives advice on how to help children with anxiety. They’re good reminders about how to support, but not enable your child. I’m going to touch on a few, but please be sure to read the article. It has a lot of great advice.
Don't Eliminate or Avoid Things That Make Your Child Anxious
As parents, we always want to protect our children from everything. But when we avoid things because it makes them anxious, we’re not really helping. Instead, we’re actually making it worse because the child thinks it’s something that SHOULD be avoided. It’s important to help them find ways to manage their anxiety. WebMD says that their anxiety will diminish over time.
Don't Ask Leading Questions
It’s important to let your child lead the conversation. Ask what’s bothering them or how they’re feeling about something, but try not make assumptions. Instead of asking, “Are you worried about your grade?” Ask “How do you feel about school?”
Work Through Problems Together
Working through potential problems can be helpful. Maybe the worst will happen sometimes. That’s okay. Let’s say your child is worried that they’re going to fail a test. Instead of reassuring them that it won’t happen, ask what will happen if it does. It won’t mean that they’ll fail school. They’ll just have to study a little more for the next one. Maybe ask the teacher for some extra help. By showing them that the world won’t end if their fear comes true, then they’ll be much better equipped to handle that anxiety. Tell them that all you want for them is to try their best.
Model Healthy Coping Skills
Be sure you’re not hiding your own stress and anxiety. Show your kids that it’s okay to have these feelings, but they can be managed in healthy ways. For example, when you come home after a hard day that’s leaving you anxious for tomorrow, let your child see how you handle it. Show them how you sit calmly, taking some deep breaths. Do some yoga. Listen to some calming music. If you need more help, please see my post on coping skills for anxiety.
When to Get Additional Help
Okay, so none of the things work. Your child is throwing temper tantrums all day every day, sobbing at school drop-off, and having nightmares every single night. This is the time to consider getting your child professional help. Visit your pediatrician to see if they could recommend a child psychologist.
Keep in mind that child psychology is not like adult psychology. Your kid isn’t going to be expected to tell this stranger what’s bothering them. They’re going to play, do arts and crafts and find coping skills that work for them. The child psychologist is also going to talk to you to fill in the blanks the child isn’t telling them and give you advice on how to help them.
Please, PLEASE don’t think that you failed your child if they end up needing professional help. Quite the opposite. You know that there isn’t anything physically wrong with your child. But they’re suffering and you are being an incredible parent by helping them to end that suffering. You’re doing whatever it takes to help them. That deserves applause! There are a lot of parents that give up on learning how to help children with anxiety or just don’t even realize that their child is struggling at all.
Trust Your Instincts. Your Anxious Child is Still Yours
Watching your child struggle with anxiety is horrible. Remember that you were given this child because you’re strong enough for them. You don’t have to get a psychology degree to learn how to help children with anxiety. You could read all the books in the world on the topic, but the truth is, your child doesn’t fit into a textbook. No one does. My anxiety is different than Ava’s. Your child’s anxiety is going to be different than their friend’s.
YOU know YOUR child. You’re going to know if something works or not. It’s okay for you to get frustrated. It’s okay for you to not have all the answers. Just keep trying and you’ll find something that will help. The most important thing they need is your love, which you’re already doing. Your child has YOU and that’s going to help them more than anything else.
All my love!