Happy Mother’s Day! For all the moms, step-moms, grand-moms, and anyone who steps into a mothering role, I hope you all got some love and appreciation today. Moms are amazing. Somehow, someway, they always get what needs to be done done. They’re superheroes that never quite get the credit that they deserve. A lot of times, they don’t see just how amazing they are. Somehow, they always feel like they’re doing everything wrong. This post is about boosting parenting self-esteem.
We live in a competitive world. Even the most confident parents sometimes feel a little unsure of themselves. We live under a microscope, and our choices are always scrutinized. It’s hard to feel like you’re doing anything right when everyone has an opinion on how all kids should be raised. When you already struggle with low self-esteem, it can be even harder to feel like you’re doing a good job raising your kids. But don’t worry. We’re going to get through it together!
When Did Your Low Self-Esteem Start?
I know that you’re not going to be able to pinpoint the exact time or situation that your self-esteem started to plummet. But I also know that you weren’t born thinking that you suck. You didn’t say to yourself, “Why can’t I be as cute as that baby?” But try to think back to the first time you can remember thinking poorly of yourself. Was it something someone said at school? Something a parent or sibling said? Were you comparing yourself to someone else?
I found an article on Fatherly.com by Lauren Vinopal. She says that self-esteem begins to form as early as age 5! That’s when we start forming schemas which are thought and behavioral patterns that are stored in the neural networks of our brains.
She says that scientists have figured out that the experience and feedback we get from these schemas. They can be positive (I am smart) or negative (I am stupid) and they get engrained into our minds and start to form how we think of ourselves. Negative schemas can be harder to correct the earlier in our lives they are formed. This is where your low self-esteem may have started. While it’s not easy, it can be corrected!
Why Parenting is Hard on Self- Esteem
Ahh, parenting. Where most days, you just feel like you’re doing everything wrong. Parenting can be such a strain on your mental health, even if you don’t have low self-esteem. Every single person has an opinion on how you should be raising YOUR kids. It could be the snide comment (mumbled under her breath) from a fellow grocery store customer about how she would never let her kids ride inside the cart. Maybe it’s your childless friend who “read somewhere” how kids shouldn’t be allowed to rough house. It could be from your sister-in-law who would never dare let the kids pick their outfits! The list is endless.
And of course, it’s the kids themselves. “Jimmy’s mom is always at our school parties. Why aren’t you?” “Why aren’t my clothes as nice as Madison’s?” “Why do you look so gross when you drop me off?” “Jenny’s mom would never pack a Twinkie in her lunch, she only makes her own cookies.” Kids have absolutely no filter. And these comments, while innocent, can start to do a number on your parenting self-esteem.
Of course, there’s your self-doubt. Am I doing this right? Am I loving enough? Strict enough? Do they know how much I love them? Why did I have to lose my cool and yell yesterday? They’re only kids. The house is never clean enough. The kids have too much screen time. I don’t play with them enough. I’m not giving them enough responsibilities. Their days are too structured or not structured enough. They need to get outside more. But then there’s mosquitoes and ticks and strangers…
Really, it’s amazing that any of us can get through the day!
Why it's Important to Boost Your Parenting Self-Esteem
You might think that your self-esteem doesn’t matter, as long as you’re boosting your children’s. But, going back to Ms. Vinopal’s article, low self-esteem does tend to run in families. You could give the kids all the praise in the world. The kids constantly hear you celebrate their wins and encourage them to try again when they fail. You could tell them how proud you are of them until you’re blue in the face. But if you don’t think highly of yourself, they’re going to pick up on that. If you model that low self-esteem, they might not think they’re worth much either. You can break the cycle!
It’s not just for your kids’ sake either. You are a unique, special, incredible person with a great many strengths. You should be proud of yourself! When you raise your self-esteem, it’s going to raise your parenting self-esteem. You need to feel confident in the choices you make as a parent. If you don’t, it’s going to be hard for your kids to see you as an authority figure. See my post on setting boundaries as parents to read more about that!
How to Boost Your Parenting Self-Esteem
As I said earlier, sometimes it can be hard to feel confident in your choices when everyone has a different opinion on what the “right way” to raise kids is. As you know, different kids respond better to different parenting styles. There is no one right way to raise every single child in the world. We’re all learning. I’ll bet you even the most educated child development expert in the world comes across new challenges when it comes to parenting. You know your kids better than anyone else. If someone says that you should be doing something that you know isn’t going to work, don’t be afraid to politely say, “Thanks for the advice, but my kids won’t respond to that.”
Me Versus the Pediatrician
When my youngest daughter was a toddler, she would have this superhuman ability to get out of her car seat arm straps when we were driving. It didn’t matter how tight they were, that kid would always find a way to wiggle free. When we asked our pediatrician about it, her advice was to take her to the police station and tell her that we were there to turn her in for breaking the law about her arm straps.
I was horrified by that idea. While it may have been effective, she would have been terrified. On top of that, I want her to see police as helpful, not scary people who are just waiting to throw her in a cage. Instead, we used a reward-based program. If she kept her arm straps on, she got points. When she got to a certain number of points, she could pick a prize. The advice from the pediatrician may have worked for some kids, but I knew that it wouldn’t work for my kids.
Listen to your gut. What is it telling you about your parenting choices? Are your kids comfortable around you? Or are they walking on eggshells, trying not to upset you? Are they happy? Do they come to you when they’re worried, scared, or sad? Are they healthy? Fed? Clothed? Try to find all the reasons you can on why you’re doing a great job as a parent. Keep building on that until you can believe that you are, in fact, a good parent! If there are things you can work on, like every parent out there, do your best to work on those things.
Remember that You Were Given These Kids for a Reason
Why do you think you had the kids that you have? Their unique challenges, behaviors, and mental health are all things that YOU can handle. Whether or not you believe in a higher power or not, I truly believe that we get the kids that we can do the most good for. You know these kids inside and out. If there’s something you need to change about your parenting style, don’t be afraid to. You’re not your parents, and the way they parented you might not work for your kids. Love them the way you feel you should. Model the self-worth you want them to have and watch them flourish!
~All my love!