Christmas time. Joy to the world. Normally, it’s hard NOT to get wrapped up in the excitement and wonder this time of year brings. You see kids nearly vibrating as they check off the days leading up to Christmas. But, if you’re spending the holidays without a loved one, things look very different for you. How do you survive? How is Christmas, any holiday (really any day) ever going to be okay? How can you find the joy that you so desperately need right now?
I’m so sorry that you’re here reading this right now. No matter what stage of grief you’re in, it’s so hard. Holidays make the grief even more painful. I hope that I can offer you at least a sliver of comfort during this terrible time.
A little disclaimer: while I know that any holiday is hard, I’m going to be mostly focusing on Christmas because that’s the holiday season we’re in at the moment. Just know that I understand that not everyone celebrates Christmas and that ALL holidays can be excruciating when a loved one has passed away. I never want to offend anyone.
If this is your first holiday without a loved one, you may look at it with a sense of dread. How can Christmas happen without this person? How can life just keep moving on when your life feels like it’s stopped? It just doesn’t make sense. Christmas time is supposed to be filed with joy and peace, but that’s the exact opposite of what you feel.
Tortured by the ghost of Christmas past, you may not feel like celebrating this year. That’s okay. Things are going to look very different moving forward. This year, this Christmas, might be the hardest one you’ve ever gone through. Because of that, you need to take extra care of yourself so that you can get through the holidays in one piece. You need to do whatever it is you need to survive. We’ll talk about how to do that in just a minute.
As I write this, I know a lot of us are still reeling from the Oxford school shooting. That one hit way too close to home for me, it happened one county over from where I live. As a parent, my thoughts immediately went to the parents of the four teenagers that will never make it back home. I thought of the Christmas presents that they may have bought that their kids will never get to open. It’s so unfair.
Before our country could even begin to recover from the shock of yet another school shooting, multiple states were hit by merciless tornadoes that killed many and destroyed cities. Rescue workers worked so hard to find survivors in the rubble as loved ones desperately held onto shreds of hope.
Tragedies just seem to keep happening in more unbelievable and terrible ways all over the world. All of that on top of a global pandemic that continues to claim lives. This is one Christmas season that is filled with grief. There are so many people suddenly spending the holidays without a loved one.
Experiencing such a terrible loss during this time of year is pure agony. I wish I had some magic words to say to ease that pain. If they exist, I sure haven’t found them yet. The only thing I can do is offer reassurance that however you’re feeling right now is okay. If you want to hate Christmas this year, that’s okay. It’s completely unfair that you have to experience such a horrible loss during this time of the year. I’m so sorry you did.
So how do you cope with holidays without a loved one? This is going to look a little different for each person. What works for one, may not work for another. Some want to be alone, some want to be around family. Just like no one grieves the same, no one copes the same way either. I read an amazing article from grief.com about handling grief during all holidays, not just Christmas.
Your friends and family know that you’re going through a horrible time this year. It’s okay to tell them what you’re going to do to cope, even if it’s something that’s going to disappoint them. You get to decide how to handle this Christmas. However you do, as long as it’s safe, IT IS OKAY. Just be clear and firm on the boundaries that you need to give yourself. If they’re upset, you just need to be okay with that. They’ll understand eventually. Please don’t let guilt into the mess of emotions you’re already feeling.
This isn’t possible if you have kids, especially young kids. But, if you don’t feel like putting on a show of celebrating, and you can manage it, just don’t. Let yourself feel your grief, mourn for the Christmas you should be having. Spend the day allowing yourself to feel and react to your grief. Grief.com says to have a Plan A and a Plan B. Make a plan to spend Christmas how you want to (like with extended family), but have a backup plan in place if it feels like it’s too much. That way you can allow yourself a way out.
What fed their soul when they were here? Did they have a charity they liked to donate to? Did they like to go to the mall and people watch as people scrambled to get their last minute gifts? You could volunteer somewhere or donate some of their things (if you’re ready) to Salvation Army. Try to bring back some of the joy they used to feel this time of year.
You need support as you navigate your way through this suddenly hard time of year. There are a lot of people that love you and want to help. Share stories, cry on someone’s shoulder, allow them to be there for you. Accept the help they so desperately want to give you, whether it’s emotional support or helping with adulting tasks like cooking and cleaning.
This is a big one. I know how much it hurts, but you need to allow yourself to feel it. It’s very easy to try to push the feelings away, especially if you have young kids that are counting on you to make magical as it can be. If they’re grieving too, it makes it so hard, but so important to create some much-needed Christmas magic. But, as you’re wrapping gifts and eating Santa’s cookies, allow yourself to feel your feelings. It’s so important to give yourself time with these hard feelings, especially if it’s your first holiday without a loved one.
One wonderful thing about this time of year is that it makes it easy to honor our loved ones that are no longer here. Like I said earlier, you could do something that would make them happy, like volunteering or donating. But you could also watch your loved one’s favorite Christmas movie or bake their favorite Christmas cookies. It may be comforting to you to go to a Christmas Eve church service so that you can pray for peace for your loved one and comfort for you and the rest of the people left behind.
Continue a tradition that was important to them or start a new tradition in their honor. You could put a wreath or grave blanket on their grave. Sing their favorite Christmas song at their memorial site. Try to find something that will bring you comfort in knowing their presence can live on in you.
I know this season doesn’t bring the joy that it used to for you. Life is so different without your loved one and Christmas is no exception. I wish I could take your pain away. But, no matter how much it hurts this year, it won’t always. It’ll get a little easier every year.
Take care of yourself and your mental health however you need to. Always remember that your loved one would want you to have a Christmas with peace and so much joy. While I know that joy may not be possible this year, allow yourself to feel any shred of peace you can manage. I wish that you weren’t spending the holidays without a loved one, but I know you can survive this. You’re loved one wants you to survive and find happiness. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Merry Christmas. All my love!
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