I’ve been procrastinating on this post. Is there anything more painful than grief? The worst part about it is that no one is ever safe from it. Every single person is going to experience it at some point, most likely more than once. Life is so fleeting and so very unfair sometimes. Grieving is a process that is so different for everyone, but almost everyone can identify with it.
I’ve been slow to write this because it’s hard to put into words just how much it hurts to lose someone you love so dearly. To be completely honest, I might have been dragging my feet on it because I was afraid of the feelings it might bring up for me. I know grief well, both professionally as a nurse and personally. There has been a lot of loss in my life, but none as profound as losing my mom to cancer when I was 13.
I can still feel the heart-tearing, punch-to-the-gut, sucking-chest-wound pain that I felt when my dad told my siblings and me that she had passed away. How can the person that I saw every day, took care of us, comforted us, and tucked us in at night just be gone? My world didn’t make sense.
It's okay
Now, with tears in my eyes, I’m going to write this post on grief. Not because I’m an expert and not because I have some sort of superpower that can erase your pain, but because I want everyone to know something. It’s okay. However you’re feeling right now, however long it’s been, it’s okay.
It seems like so many people try to cram their feelings into some sort of tiny box that society deems “normal.” If someone doesn’t fit into that box, they can be judged for grieving “too much” or “not appropriate.” These ridiculous judgments are cruel. People are made to feel weak or that something is wrong with them.
Someone you love is no longer here. NO ONE gets to tell you how to feel about that. This post is going to talk about how grieving is a process that never truly ends. We’ll also talk about some different types of grief, the myths surrounding grief, as well as when you might think about getting some help. Most of all, I’m hoping to offer some support to all of you that are missing someone terribly right now.
Types of Grief
While most people associate grief with the death of a loved one, there are also other times. Grief can come from anything that changes your life in a negative way. While I’ll be focusing on grief caused by death, I don’t want you to feel that what you’re grieving is insignificant. Your pain is real and it is valid.
Death
Expected or unexpected, it’s never easy to say that final goodbye to someone you love. I will never forget seeing my mom in her casket. She looked the same, but so very different. She was such a warm, loving person. I remember touching her hand to find her so very cold. If it hadn’t hit me before, it definitely did at that moment. She wasn’t coming back.
You never know how someone’s death is going to affect you. It could be someone that you never even met. It’s okay to admit those feelings, whatever they are. I remember my tough-as-nails dad getting a little misty-eyed over the death of our cat, even though he loved to tell anyone and everyone how much he hated her when she was alive. Since death is so so final, it’s hard to say how you’re going to feel about it until it actually happens.
Divorce/Breakup
Breaking up is always hard. When you begin a relationship, you have all these hopes for where it might go. No one goes into a relationship thinking it’s going to end. You probably imagined growing old with that person. No matter the reason for the breakup, it’s common to feel some sort of grief.
Loss of Career/Job
Some people get so wrapped up in their jobs that when it ends, especially unexpectedly, they may have to go through the grieving process. After all, our work is where we spend a significant amount of our time. A lot of people define themselves by what they do for a living.
Illness/Disability
When our health deteriorates or we sustain some sort of permanent injury, we’re allowed to grieve about that. Things that were simple are now difficult. While it’s true that people will adapt to those changes, it’s okay to grieve the loss of the old normal.
Life Change
Sometimes a big change in our lives can bring grief. It could be a new job, a move to a new place, or anything big. Change is always scary. It’s okay to grieve for the comfort of the familiar, even if you’re excited about the new adventure as well.
Grief Stages
You’ve probably heard of the five stages of grief that a person goes through before landing on acceptance of a loved one’s death. Here comes a disclaimer…I am NOT a psychology expert. I have no authority when it comes to anything psychological. The only real education I have is the one psychology semester in nursing school. Okay *claps hands* I’ve talked myself up enough.
While I do believe that people do move through these stages, I feel like there are a lot of misconceptions about them. There is nothing neat and tidy about grief. You don’t move through these stages in a set time and then the grief is “over.” One stage might take significantly longer. You might skip ahead a stage only to go back later. These stages are important to know about. I just don’t want anyone to think that they’re grieving wrong because it doesn’t look like someone else’s.
Christina Gregory, PhD wrote an article on Psycom.net about these five stages. They came from Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (and today the five stages are known as the Kubler-Ross Model). She wrote a book On Death and Dying where she introduced the five stages. She worked with many terminally ill people. Her model was originally meant for those patients as they struggled to cope with the fact they were going to die. Over the years, the model has shifted to people that are grieving.
Denial
Sweet denial. That iron-clad grip you have on the idea that this horrible thing isn’t actually happening. They’ll be back. They WILL be back. Denial can happen after death. It might also happen while the person you love so much is still clinging to life. Man oh man, I was so good at denial.
When my mom’s cancer came back, I knew she was going to survive it. She survived it once, so of course, she was going to survive it again. I was really good at hushing that voice in my head (more on that in another post) that said she was going to die. It didn’t matter what that voice said. It didn’t matter what anyone said. I knew she was going to survive right up until the moment my dad told us she had died. Still, there was a little part of me that thought maybe he was wrong. Even years later, I would come up with scenarios that would make it possible for her to walk through the door again one day.
Anger
Once denial fades and reality begins to set in, now you’re just angry. You’re mad at the world for being so unfair. You’re mad at yourself for not saying the things you wanted while you had the chance. It’s okay to even be mad at the person for dying. Everyone and everything had some role in this agony that you feel and you’re just so MAD. Why did this have to happen to someone that you love so unbelievably much? God, life SUCKS sometimes, doesn’t it?
Bargaining
Now that the anger is subsiding, maybe there’s something you can do. If you promise to be a better person, do more charity work, or be kinder to everyone, maybe you could get a little more time with your loved one? Even for just a few minutes to let them know how much you love and miss them. Maybe there was some mistake and they can come back to you?
Depression
They’re not coming back. There isn’t a thing you, or anyone else, can do to bring them back. That person that was such a big part of your life is gone. Life is never going to be the same. You are never going to be the same. The depression phase is where it all really starts to sink in. It HURTS. You feel it down in your bones. If this is the first time you’ve gone through such a profound loss, you probably didn’t realize just how much you could miss someone. Everything around you reminds you of the fact that they’re not here. The whole world just feels different, and not in a good way. I remember my house feeling so cold without my mom’s warmth.
Acceptance
This is where a lot of misconceptions come from. Acceptance does not mean that your grief is over. It doesn’t mean that you’ll never be sad again. It simply means that you’ve come to terms with the loss. You’re ready to move on with your life, even though you still miss them terribly. It’s completely okay to have days where you feel soul-crushingly sad. Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re “over it.” You’ll never be truly over it. But you can still live your life. Trust me, there are still days when I feel like my grief overwhelms me. It’s not like I haven’t accepted that my mom is gone, just that I still miss her. Most people will agree that you never stop needing your mom and that still holds true for me, even if I only had her for 13 years.
Grief Myths
There are always going to be those people out there that think they know everything about everything. This includes how people SHOULD feel. They love to throw around accusations and judgments. Grief is one of those things that many people have an opinion on. It’s also one of those things that NO ONE should have an opinion on. Grieving is a process that is completely unique to the individual person. Let’s talk about some of the myths about grief that cause people more heartache and shame at a time when they really don’t need it.
One Year is Enough
Yep, one year. You have one year to miss your loved one and that’s it. You should never be sad again. Seriously? I don’t know where this magic time limit thing came from, but it’s BS. Yes, maybe a year is enough time to get over a beloved goldfish. But someone that played a significant role in your life (not that the goldfish didn’t)? No way.
Grief Should be the Same Every Time
That fish I talked about? You might (or might not) feel a little grief as you flush it to fishy heaven. The dog or cat you’ve had for 10+ years? Quite a bit different. I still miss the heck out of my Phoebe. She died in 2017. We have a new dog that I do love, but he is no Phoebe.
It’s the same with people. Some people are going to be harder to lose than others. That doesn’t mean that you didn’t love the person. I lost my aunt very suddenly a few years ago. I’m still sad that she’s gone. She pops into my mind a lot. She was an incredible lady that I was very lucky to have as an aunt. But her death doesn’t affect me the way my mom’s still does.
The point I’m trying to make is that every time you experience grief, it’s going to be different. Some are going to be a lot harder than you thought. There will be some that are going to be easier to handle than you imagined. You don’t know how someone’s death is going to affect you until it actually happens. I’ve imagined every single person I love dying (thanks anxiety!) and it never actually feels the way I think it will.
YOU'RE Grieving wrong
This is one myth that really aggravates me. No one should ever tell someone that they’re grieving wrong (unless they’re doing something that could harm themselves or someone else, but we’ll get to that in a minute). Some people are going to shut themselves in their bedrooms and not come out for a long time. Other people are going to break down in front of everyone. Still others are going to let themselves have some fun to take a break from feeling so depressed.
When you’re going through this terrible thing, you do whatever it is YOU need to do to make it through the next hour, the next day, week, month, and so on. No one gets to tell you that you’re wrong.
You Need to Let Go or Get Over It
I know I’ve said it a lot, but I really want to reiterate that profound, significant grief doesn’t really end. There is no “getting over it.” That’s okay. I hate that there are people out there that think there should be a time limit on grief. Even more than that, I hate that there are people that are ashamed because they still miss this person that meant so much to them. If any of those people are reading this, please, PLEASE believe me when I say that it’s okay to still be sad. There’s nothing wrong with you for breaking down in tears years and years after your loved one dies.
Once Your Grief is Over, it Won't Come Back
Maybe I don’t understand what people say when they say this. Your grief is never really resolved. Accepted? Sure. Resolved? Ummmm, I don’t think that really happens. Grief isn’t something that gets handled and then filed away in some bin marked “resolved.” You may have years where you’re relatively okay. All of the sudden, something happens and the grief comes rushing back. That’s okay. Grieving is a process that’s a lot like the ocean (sorry for the cliché), where some days the waters are calm and sometimes they’re turbulent.
Things to Always Remember
As you begin to move on with your life, you’ll adjust to your new normal way of living. I know how hard it is to think about spending the rest of your life without that person that played such an important role. There’s nothing easy about this. But, there are a few things I want you to try to remember, even on your hardest days.
Grieving is a Process
Okay, okay, I know I’ve said it a lot. But I think it’s so important to remember. When someone you love dies, there is the initial feeling of shock, mixed with intense devastation, fear, anger, etc. Then, as you move through the stages of grief, you’re going to have good days, not great days, and terrible days. Keep telling yourself that this is a process. Terrible days are going to come and go, but so do good days. Hang on through the bad days. Better ones are coming.
How You Feel is Never Wrong
You’re bound to experience an entire plethora of feelings and emotions throughout the grieving process. Some feelings might make you feel a little guilty. Maybe you’re secretly a little relieved. It could have been a long battle with a painful illness. Or maybe they were just the shell of the person that you loved, no longer able to communicate or show signs that they knew you were there. You may have been providing around-the-clock care and you’re exhausted. I’ve seen the toll that being a 24-hour caregiver takes on a person. I also know that you would do it again for them. But it’s also okay to feel relieved to get back to your own life. I know you feel guilty about it. But, by the power vested in me as the writer of this post (okay, okay, I know that was lame), I give you permission to feel it.
You could be angry. Maybe your loved one would still be here if they took better care of themselves. Bonus points if you had suggested, pleaded, begged, and ordered them to go to the doctor for that vague pain and they just wouldn’t. If it turned out to be cancer that could have been easily treated if they would have just gone sooner, it’s okay to feel angry that they didn’t listen to you.
Your feelings are yours. You may not have much control over them, but they’re still yours. Ignoring them or trying to suppress them isn’t going to help you or anyone else. This is going to lead us right into the next point.
You Need to Let Yourself Feel it
Oh, my dear friend, this is so important. I’ve seen people trying to hide from their grief by staying so busy that they can’t think about it. For whatever reason, they think if they let themselves feel the emotions associated with grief, it’ll make them feel worse. So, instead, they bury it. “Yep, it sucks that she died. Me? Oh, I’m fine. Just keeping busy. I put in 100 hours of work last week and I’m also redoing my deck. Once that’s done, I think I’m going to replace all my drywall. I also need to do some landscaping and I think I’m going to use the wood from the trees I cut down to build a new workshop.”
Keeping yourself busy is good. Keeping yourself SO busy that you don’t have to process what’s happened to you is not. Eventually, you’re going to have to slow down. You need to let yourself feel it. I’m not going to lie, it’s going to hurt. A lot. There is no way around that. But, you can only push those feelings away for so long before they catch up to you. When they do, it will be so much worse.
You don’t have to show it to anyone. If expressing feelings and emotions is a hard thing for you, just do it privately. Shut yourself in a room and allow those feelings to wash over you. I wish with all my being that you didn’t have to feel this kind of pain. Cry, scream, punch pillows, do whatever you need to do to let those feelings out. Just feel it.
If you really can’t seem to let them out physically, start writing. Buy a journal, either guided or not, to start getting those feelings out of your mind.
Everyone Grieves Differently
This one goes along with the myth we talked about earlier. There are very few “wrong” ways to grieve (which I’ll talk about). In the rush of emotions that accompany a death, it can be easy to cast judgments on others without realizing it. It could be a widow(er) that got back into the dating world “too fast.” Someone may seem like they’ve moved on too soon. Someone might tell YOU that you’re not grieving correctly.
Everyone feels and reacts to things differently. All four of my mom’s kids lost the same incredible woman, but the way we handled it was vastly different. That didn’t mean that any of us were doing it wrong. Even as kids, we were very different people. While there are things I definitely would have different if I had to do it again, we all (especially my dad) handled it the only way we knew how to. It wasn’t wrong.
I feel like it’s important to remember that even if someone is acting as the death has barely affected them, you never really know what’s going on in someone’s head. Try not to judge someone for not being sad enough. If someone judges you, try not to take it personally. Remember that anger is a big part of grief. Sometimes that anger needs some place, some person, to land on.
It's Okay to Feel Sad, Even Years Later
I’ve heard this so many times. People are embarrassed to suddenly miss a loved one that died a long time ago. A certain song, movie, smell, place, person, or any little thing can bring memories flooding back. It’s normal to feel sad when that happens. You’re missing the person that you thought would still be here. You want to make more memories with that person and you can’t. It’s grief for the person and for the life you thought you’d have with that person. That’s incredibly sad. I will say it again, grieving is a process that never ends. You never have to feel ashamed for missing someone you loved so much.
Other People Loved Them, Too
Obviously, you know that you’re not the only one who loved this person. When someone leaves this world, it’s felt by so many people. Not just friends and family, but the cashier at the grocery store who loved to chit chat with them, the mailman that was always touched by the Christmas gifts left for him, and the teenager to that they gave lunch and $50 to cut their tiny lawn. There are countless ways a person leaves an impression on the world.
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own grief that we forget how much that person was loved by so many people. In that group of people, you can find and give the support you all need. Let them help keep their memory alive by sharing stories. Don’t be afraid to cry together. I’m not saying you should go out of your way to hug that cashier, but accept her sympathy. You’re not alone in your grief. Let people help you. It will help you both.
You Love Them, But They Also Love You
Some people hang on to their acute grief for so long because they feel like if they let it go, the person they’re grieving for might somehow feel betrayed or forgotten. As if the person is staring down from Heaven saying, “Um, did I just see you smile? What, did I mean nothing to you?”
I know this because I was this person. I felt like if I let myself be happy, even a little bit, my mom would think I didn’t love and miss her. Over the years since her death, something sort of shifted. My mom wanted everyone to be happy. Why would it be any different, especially for her kids, after she died? She would never want us to live our lives in sadness. She would want what she’s always wanted for us, happiness.
Your loved one doesn’t want you to spend the rest of your life being sad and miserable. You’ll miss them forever, yes. But you can go on to live a happy life, even while you miss them. If you died, would you want any of your loved ones to be stuck in debilitating grief for the rest of their lives? They want you to live your life as fully and happily as possible. Do it for them!
When to Get Help
There may come a time when you (or someone worried about you) wonder if you should seek some professional help. If you think you should, you should. Mental health professionals can help you through the hardest parts of your grief. It does NOT make you weak for getting help. It’s actually a sign of strength. If grief was a villain in an Avengers movie, you’d need all the backup you could get. You’re Thor and a therapist is Iron Man (or whatever combo you’d envision). If you’re still on the fence about seeking help, I’m going to go over a few reasons why you absolutely should.
You Can't Seem to Get Back to Your Normal Routine
If several weeks have gone by and you’re struggling to get back to your usual schedule, it’s time to get some help. I’m absolutely NOT saying that you should jump back into your normal routine the day after your loved one dies and pretend that you’re not sad. But if you’ve called into work so many times that your job is in jeopardy, or you can’t seem to find the energy to take care of yourself, or you just seem to feel lost, get some help. Remember that it’s not disrespectful to your loved one if you move on with your life. It’s something they would want you to do.
You Can't Seem to Accept the Loss
Some people get stuck in the denial stage. You’ve gone to the funeral. You may have seen their body in the casket. But you still can’t accept the fact that they’re gone. Maybe you work up scenarios in your mind where they can come back like they faked their death. My friend, I know how desperately you want them to come back. I’m sure they would love to come back to you, too. But they can’t. As much as that hurts, you’re going to have to accept it. A therapist can help you accept it and move forward.
You Blame Yourself
Unless you physically killed this person, their death is not your fault. A lot of people try to find ways to blame themselves because that gives them a reason to be angry instead of sad. “Maybe if I made them go to the doctor, they would have caught cancer in time.” “If I spent more time with them, they would have fought harder.” “That fight we had weakened them.” Please don’t do this to yourself. It’s not going to make your loved one come back. All it will do is cause you more pain at a time when you really don’t need anymore. It is not your fault. A mental health professional can help you change that thought process.
You're Self-Medicating with Drugs and/or Alcohol
You may feel numb to your pain when you’re drunk or high. The problem is that it won’t last. You’ll sober up and feel worse. Then you need more drugs or alcohol to feel that escape from your pain. It’s a terrible vicious circle that never puts you in a better place. You simply can’t function if you’re always drunk or high. It’s also wreaking havoc on your health. Masking your pain in any way is not going to be good for you physically, mentally, or emotionally. Please get some help before it turns into an addiction that you can’t escape from.
Severe Depression/Suicidal Thoughts
Some feelings of depression are normal, especially in the early phases of grief. Prolonged, severe depression is not normal. If it’s been weeks since you’ve been able to get out of bed, that’s a problem. Click here to see my post on coping with depression for some strategies. Get some help so that you can start enjoying your life again.
Now, if you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, that’s a medical emergency that needs immediate attention. Don’t wait to get an appointment with a therapist. Call 911 or the suicide prevention hotline at the top of this site right now. Call someone you trust to take you to the emergency room right now. Don’t hesitate.
Grieving is a Process That You'll Adjust to
I know there are no words that can take your pain away. I really wish there were. If there was a magic cure for grief, I would share it with you. No matter who or what you lost that made you come to this particular post, please accept my deepest condolences.
Remember to be gentle with yourself as you navigate this terrible time. Allow yourself both good and bad days. Grieving is a process that will change with time. It won’t always find a new way to break your already broken heart or suck the air from your lungs. Yes, it is life-changing. No, it never ends. But you will adjust to your new life. Let yourself move on when you’re ready to. Don’t ever let anyone tell you how you should grieve. Do whatever it is YOU need to do to survive.
I’m so so very sorry for your loss.
All my love.