Every one of us has a grief story. Our time on this earth is too short; way too short for some. Getting up the next morning is never guaranteed. When you’re in the thick and heavy part of grief, you may not even want to wake up the next morning. It’s messy, painful, and can be dreadfully unfair. Today’s topic may seem hopeless, but it’s really not meant to be. Grief never ends. It gets easier. But there are some losses that will creep back into your life years, even decades, later. I’m here to tell you that that’s okay!
A common misconception about grief is that once a person moves through the stages, they’re somehow healed. While that may be true for a goldfish you’ve had for a day or a great uncle you met once in your life, but big losses leave lasting marks. It doesn’t make you weak or crazy to miss a loved one years after they’ve died. It just means you still have a lot of love for them with nowhere to go. That kind of grief never ends.
Most everyone has heard of the 5 stages of grief. Did you know that old model has since been changed to include substages? I sure didn’t. But, as always, since I’m not a mental health expert, I had to do some research. That research hunt, as it often does, lead me to Very Well Mind and an article by Sanjana Gupta where she writes about grief. I’ll briefly go over the new model, but please be sure to check out her article as there is a lot of great information there.
This is the first reaction you’ll have. Someone you love dearly has just died. Even if you knew it was coming, a loved one breathing their last breath is a shock. If you weren’t expecting it, such as in a car accident or sudden illness, you may have trouble believing it even happened, which is where the denial comes in. You so desperately want that news to be wrong.
This loss isn’t fair. It’s common to be angry, especially if someone is to blame for it. Lashing out is common. Blaming others is common (but be careful here, especially if it’s another loved one that’s also grieving for your loved one. Blame can cause lasting damage). Asking God to bring the person back or take this pain away is also common. Bargaining with God is not uncommon either, “God, I promise I’ll never get angry ever again if you’ll just bring this person back to me.”
All of the intense emotions start to ease here. You may start to feel calmer. It still hurts horribly, but you’ll notice it’s a little easier to get through the days. Don’t feel guilty, this is what your loved one wants for you.
You’ll start to realize that you still have a life to live. Now, you can start focusing on putting that life back together. Again, sometimes guilt tries to creep in. Moving on doesn’t mean that you love this person any less.
This is a gradual stage of accepting the new reality of your life. You may even start looking forward to your future and the possibilities that brings.
Ms. Gupta speaks at length about the acceptance stage. She is careful to say that acceptance isn’t getting over the loss. It’s also not pretending that the loss never happened (that’s still denial). Coming to that acceptance stage means that you’ve accepted the loss, understand what it’s done to you, and can find some sort of contentment in your new life. You can even allow yourself to look forward to your future. Something horrible has happened to you and, while that loss will always be a part of you, you can start moving on with your life.
Ms. Gupta gives a lot of good advice about coping with loss. Again, please read her article. She cautions you that moving through the stages is gradual. Even when you get to that acceptance stage, it’s okay to feel those intense feelings like anger and sadness. Allow those feelings to come when they do. Acceptance will get stronger with time.
It’s common to isolate yourself during hard times. I know I do it! For me, I fall into the trap of, “no one will understand” or “no one cares.” That’s wrong. I admit it. Those thoughts are just plain wrong. If you’re also feeling this way, your thoughts are wrong too (sorry not sorry). You need people. If you think about it, I bet there are plenty of people that love you and want to help you through this terrible time. Allow them to help. It’s actually helping them, too!
It’s horrible to lose someone. No one would ever deny that. But, where there is love, there are also a lot of happy memories for you to hang on to. You can also be proud of surviving what you thought you couldn’t. It’s also important to allow yourself to learn what you can about this experience. Nothing teaches you more about how fleeting life on earth can be than losing a loved one, especially unexpectedly. I know how much it hurts, but eventually you’ll be able to gain wisdom from this loss. Nothing makes us wiser than hard times.
When the loss is this big, it can be very difficult to move on with life, knowing your loved one isn’t going to be there. You might feel guilty that your life is still going and theirs did not. It’s hard to picture life’s big moments without them there. But your life is still going and you don’t know how long it will. You owe it to yourself, and the loved one that’s no longer here, to live your life as fully and joyfully as you can.
The cost of love is grief. April of this year marked 30 years since my mom died. I had her for only 13 years. My marriage has been longer than that. But man oh man, do I still miss her horribly at times. I have joy, faith, and so much goodness in my life. But, once in a while, something will come up and I just want my mom.
I’ve spent these last 30 years learning from this loss. If you’d like, feel free to read this post I wrote about how it’s okay to feel how you feel. While it’s still agonizing at times, I know that’s okay. It isn’t fair that I missed out on the teenage and young adult stuff that you just need your mom for. I hate that my kids were robbed of having her as a grandma because I know they would have loved each other so unbelievably much. She was an incredible person, not just to her family, but to the community.
Just when I think the world outside of our family has forgotten her, I’ll run into someone. As a matter of fact, one of my recent patients somehow knew her. We got on the topic of what she did for a living and it came up that she worked at the same elementary school that I went to. When I told her that my mom volunteered there frequently, she asked her name. When I told her, tears filled her eyes, “Oh yeah, I knew your mom.”
Grief never ends because love never ends. My mom was and is still very loved. Your loved one is still very loved and will always be. Never be ashamed of how much you miss them, no matter how much time goes by. When my patient told me that she knew and loved my mom, 30 years later, it was just proof that incredible people like her (and like your loved one) leave a mark on this world that will never be erased. Take comfort in that.
Don’t fight those feelings of grief. Grief never ends, but you’ll find that you’ll start smiling more as you think back on those precious memories. If you’d like, download my free grief time capsule cards.
I’m a Christian woman. My mom was, too. It’s such a comfort to me to know that she’s at peace and living out the best promise Jesus gave us, that those who believe in Him will never die. She wasn’t perfect. No one is. But she loved deeply and tried to do her best to live like Jesus.
I’m not here to push my beliefs on anyone. But I also couldn’t imagine going through grief without the comfort of knowing that there is something after our time here. I believe that Earth is just a stop on the way to our eternal home. One day, I’ll be with her again. In the meantime, I’m going to do my best to make both Jesus and my mom proud of the person I am. Faith helps gives pain a purpose. Living with grief for 30 years has taught me some things. That grief is a huge part of who I am now. It’s given me a passion for helping others through their grief. Where others feel uncomfortable and scared to say the wrong thing, I’m going right in. God didn’t cause my mom’s death, but He’s using my pain as a way to help others. It’s helped my faith to know that, even in the worst of situations, God will find some way to get some good out of it.
I’m a strong believer in therapy. I feel like every single person could benefit from it. When you’re going through grief, you may feel like you don’t need it because nothing could make you feel better. But, if it’s been weeks and you can’t get out of bed, you’re still having trouble sleeping without nightmares, or you spend all day crying, you need some professional help. There is absolutely no shame in this. A therapist/counselor/other mental health professional can give you the support you need while also helping you to cope. If you’re struggling, please get some help.
Like I mentioned earlier, you owe yourself a beautiful life. A life that’s filled with as much joy as you can manage. The loss of your loved one will be a part of you forever, but there will be room for positive emotions, too. Grief never ends. Your time on this earth will. Be sure that you’re living it as fully as you can, not only for you, but for the loved one that never got the chance. I’m so sorry for your loss.
-All my love
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