We’ve all been touched by loneliness at some point, and no one enjoys that feeling. This can be especially unsettling when it’s a new experience for you. A life change, expected or not, can cause these feelings, especially when dealing with a loss of some kind. Dealing with grief over a death, a breakup, a job loss, someone moving out, a move, or any other change is going to cause loneliness, among other things. Humans are social creatures, so it makes sense that we want to be around other humans. Thankfully, there are plenty of “pros” to keeping your own company, and that’s what we’re going to talk about today! Being alone, but not lonely, is going to take some creativity and (you know, my favorite) soul-searching, but it’s worth it. You may even learn that you love solitude much more than you ever thought you would.
Enjoying your own company is a skill that takes some practice. I have to throw a disclaimer in here: if you are going through one of the major life changes I listed above, you can’t expect yourself to be okay with being alone right away, especially if you’ve lost someone important to you. You have to go through the grieving process. If you need help with that (like most do), please reach out to a mental health professional. You can also read this post I wrote about grief. But, if you had to pick one, go with the mental health professional first. As someone with unresolved grief from a childhood loss, it is SO important to get the help you need. I am now going to step off that soapbox and continue with being alone, but not lonely.
Holidays Exacerbate Loneliness
It’s no mistake that I’m writing this days before Christmas. A lot of us who celebrate Christmas have fond memories of Christmases past that center around togetherness. Whether family or friends, there was always someone to spend this festive time with. It makes sense that holidays can be when the loneliness hurts the most. An empty-nester, someone who moved away, someone new to working in a 24-hour setting, or someone who is serving overseas, are going to feel that loneliness a lot more acutely. I remember the first Christmas I had to work as a nurse. I remember feeling so depressed in the days leading up to it.
You need to allow yourself time to get used to this new normal. It’s okay if you don’t feel like putting up the tree this year. You don’t have to go to the Christmas Craft Sale if you’re not feeling festive. Feelings of all sorts are going to come out. The very best thing you can do is to allow them to. Feel them so that you can let them go. If you go on pretending that everything is fine, those feelings are going to have a lot more power over you. Holidays can be hard. That’s okay. Please don’t pretend to be okay when you’re not.
The good news about Christmas time is that there is no shortage of ways to be around people, if you feel up to it. There are plenty of volunteer opportunities where you can meet people of similar interests. Spreading joy to others can be a great way to find some joy yourself! Again, be careful, though. Don’t push yourself to do things that you don’t feel ready for.
Being Alone, but Not Lonely
Dealing with loneliness, just like everything else, is going to look different for everyone because everyone has different social needs. However, loneliness is painful, regardless. I went to healthline.com and found an article by Crystal Raypole and Erika Klein. These two smart ladies had a lot of great insight on how to fight against loneliness when it attacks you (that sounded a bit dramatic, didn’t it?). I’m going to go over a few of their strategies here, but please read their article for even more helpful advice.
Rework it in your brain
Solitude may be uncomfortable at first, but it can actually be great for your mental health. It’s easier to practice mindfulness when you’re alone, which, in turn, can lessen whatever grip your anxiety and/or depression has on you. The fewer distractions around, the more you’ll be able to focus on what makes you happy. If being alone is something new for you, think of this new freedom as time to find out who you are and what YOU want to do.
Look for things to be grateful for
It can be hard to focus on the good things around you when the loneliness feels so heavy. But finding things to be grateful for can ease the emotional burden. It doesn’t have to be anything complicated. Did your coffee taste good this morning? Was the book you’re reading good? Did a show make you laugh? Trying to pick out the good things in your life has an amazing way of lifting your mood.
Make sure your meetups are meaningful
We’ve all seen some version of this sad scene: the group of teens sitting at a restaurant table staring at their phones and barely saying a word to each other, a parent trying desperately to connect with their teenager, who barely answers in more than a grunt and won’t get off their phone, or two people on a date that have yet to speak to each other. Sometimes, people are so transfixed by their phones/devices/etc that they miss out on real connections with people. Ms. Raypole and Klein write that it’s not the quantity of people, but the connections you feel. A room of 50 coworkers that you may or may not like isn’t going to be nearly as fulfilling as a night with a few close friends that you feel completely at ease with.
When you are with close friends or family, make your time as meaningful as possible. Laugh. Talk about things that matter to you and to them. Allow your “real person” to show. Listen and ask questions to make sure they feel heard as well. Connect as much as you can so that this social time can hold you over for a while. Think of it as a big meal versus a little snack.
Don't underestimate our furry friends
Ms. Raypole and Klein write that animals can be a great way to battle loneliness. While they can’t talk back, you can certainly talk to them. The first dog I owned on my own, Phoebe, was a great listener. I would pace and pour my heart out, and she would just lie on the couch (sometimes with her front legs crossed as if she was pretending to be a therapist) and watch me. She was one of the reasons I believe in the importance of soul-searching because man oh man, did I have some revelations during some of these “sessions.”
Crazy dog lady aside, a lot of animals love human connections. If you don’t have a pet, consider adopting one if you have the means to take care of it. If not, there are plenty of ways to get in some pet companionship. You could volunteer at an animal shelter, walk a neighbor’s dog, visit a dog park, or offer to pet sit. Even the pet stores that sell puppies encourage people to come in to help socialize the puppies. My local Pet Supplies Plus has dog “meet and greets” nearly every Sunday, so I’m sure there is a pet store near you that has similar offerings.
Consider finding a church
As some of you may know, I recently found a life-changing church that has exponentially grown my faith. It has also made me realize how much I needed a faith-based community. Going to church is my favorite time of the week. Not only am I growing my relationship with God, but I’m worshiping with others, making new meaningful connections, and getting a whole lot of help fighting my mental illnesses. If you’d like to read more about that story, you can check out the post I wrote about it here.
Don’t think you have to be an all-in believer of Jesus to go to church, either. My church frequently says, “belong before you believe” because it’s more than okay to be simply curious or even skeptical. A good church will make you feel welcome as you take what might be your first shaky steps into faith. Disclaimer: this isn’t meant to be preachy. I know some of you might think it is. I have just been amazed at how much God has moved in my own life in this short time. He has big plans for you, too. Being lonely is not in His plans for you.
Embrace the Solitude
I remember feeling a little nervous the first time I knew I was going to come home to an empty house. My husband was working outside the house for the first time since we’ve had kids. Both my kids were in school. What was I going to do with alone time? I’d had such limited experience with it when I was working full-time or before my youngest was old enough for school. There was a real sense of anxiety when I was faced with time alone. The girls wouldn’t be calling me every two seconds. I was going to miss the giggles, the constant questions, and yes, even the fighting. I’m used to noise. Silence is new. Could I ever get used to being alone, but not lonely? Or was I going to try to get a job at the school so I could have all the noise I wanted?
But, once I got over that initial shock to the system, it was so nice! I was free! If I wanted, I could sing horribly and loudly to MY music, have a good cry, or even watch a show with, gasp, swear words! So what is it that YOU would want to do on a you-only date? Drink water in a champagne flute? Attempt a dance routine because, truly, no one is watching? What about reading a book while snacking on the “forbidden before dinner” snacks? Once you learn what it is YOU like to do alone, the solitude is so much more freeing than it is oppressive. I made a free worksheet so that you can do some soul-searching to find out how you can handle being alone, but not lonely.
Remember, as Mandy Hale said in the quote beginning this section, loneliness is when we can really find our wings. It’s where we find ourselves after years of focusing on other people. You can find what makes you who you are.
Being Alone, But Not Lonely, is a Choice YOU Can Make
Learning to love your own company isn’t like flipping a switch. It’s going to take a little time to get used to. I remember feeling like I should text my husband every time I was going to leave my house. It wasn’t because I had to ask his permission, but I just felt weird just leaving without telling someone. Also, please don’t think that I’m comparing the few hours a day I get to what someone who lives alone is going through. I know it must be infinitely harder, but I do believe that you can find joy in it, too. As time goes on, you’re going to find it easier and easier to live for your own purpose. Being alone, but not lonely, is something you can do, whether it’s for a few hours or several days. This could be the freedom you didn’t even know you needed!
All my Love!