Any Bluey fans out there? If you’re wondering where I got the title from, it’s from the Baby Race episode. For those NOT familiar with the brilliant show that delights both kids and parents, let me give you a quick recap of this particular episode. It centers around Chili (the mom) telling her daughters about when she needed to learn to run her own race. Bluey (her firstborn) learned to roll over very early. She was so proud about it until she went to her mom group and learned that another baby was sitting up already. Chili was determined to win the “Baby Race” and get Bluey to walk first. The show has this genius way of gently shedding light on topics that would be otherwise considered taboo. Chili’s desperation to get Bluey to do things before she was ready got me thinking about anxiety jealousy.
What is Anxiety Jealousy?
It’s normal to feel envious sometimes. There will always be people who are better than you at something, have things that you want, or look more like you want to look. Anxiety jealousy is different. This is when your anxiety tells you that if you’re not the best at something, you’re the worst and shouldn’t even try to get better. Since anxiety feeds on insecurities and LOVES it when someone is better than you at something. “Look at how fit she is! She’s had twice the number of kids, but she looks like a supermodel! You might as well eat that donut, fatty, because you could never look like her.”
Anxiety jealousy goes beyond normal jealousy and eats away at whatever you still like about yourself. You might find yourself getting jealous over things like how a person looks, how they can interact with people, how many friends they have, or how confident they are. They may outshine you at work. People may come to them for advice instead of you (a personal punch to the gut for me). There is a whole slew of things that could increase your self-doubt and destroy your sense of self-worth.
What Causes Jealousy?
Jealousy occurs when we compare our lives to that of someone else. Instead of running our own race, we focus on the things that they have that we don’t. This could be a material thing, a relationship, a professional skill, or really anything. It comes from seeing something and then asking ourselves why we don’t have it. Anxiety uses it as a cue to light up those insecurities and highlights why either you can’t do something or don’t deserve it. That’s why anxiety jealously makes things even harder to accept.
When Anxiety Jealousy Nearly Made Me Quit Nursing
I’ll use myself as an example. For those that don’t know, I’m a nurse at an endoscopy center. Almost every patient needs an IV before their procedure. When I started there, I was HORRIBLE at starting IVs. Patients would have beautiful juicy looking veins and I could not seem to hit them. I would try my allowed two times and often had to get another nurse to help. That nurse would usually get it on their first try.
It broke my heart every time. My anxiety would be screaming in my head, “You’re the worst nurse in the world!” Not only was I frustrated that I couldn’t do it, but I was causing these poor people unnecessary pain.
I was so jealous of the nurses that seemed to place IVs on the first try every time. My anxiety would tell me that I would never be as good as them. Maybe I should just give up on nursing altogether. There were so many times that I went home in tears. More on that later…
Why Am I So Jealous and Insecure??
Insecurities are anxiety’s favorite weapon. Let’s go back to the weight loss example. You’ve starved yourself, only allowing small amounts of tasteless food, and nearly killed yourself working out only to lose half a pound. Your friend that’s on a weight loss journey with you did half the work and you know that she stopped at McDonald’s twice last week.
She lost 2 pounds.
WTF????? How is that fair? Anxiety takes over and adds in, ‘what did you do wrong?’ ‘you’re just meant to be overweight.’ ‘Give up.’ This makes you feel terrible about yourself and a little (okay, a lot) resentful towards your friend that is getting better results with less work.
This is why comparison is so bad for us. It’s why we need to “run our own race.” You still lost half a pound! You’re still moving in the right direction! Is it as fast as your friend? No, but that doesn’t matter because you are YOU. You’re both making progress.
Social Media's Role in Insecurities
Speaking of comparison, social media is horrible for this. People post their wonderful success stories and that’s all we see. We don’t see the failures, the struggles, or the sacrifices. Or the pure luck. People LOVE to brag on social media.
I gave up Facebook for Lent one year and was amazed at how much peace I felt. I’ve barely been on Facebook since. If you find your anxiety jealousy getting revved up by social media, take a break from it for a while and see how you feel. Use that time to take stock of all the wonderful things in YOUR life. It’s so much easier to spot them when you’re not concentrating on what other people have.
How to Calm Your Inner Critic
Everyone SHOULD have an inner critic. It keeps us humble. No one should have to deal with an anxiety-driven inner critic. Nothing is ever good enough for those little A-holes. You could always be doing more, doing something better, killing yourself more if you actually want to be successful. I’m going to use my cluttered house as an example. We bought a robotic vacuum and I was SO excited. Take that crumbs and dog hair!
Then reality hit.
The poor little vacuum can only work if there is a clear path, i.e. a surface NOT covered in toys. I once heard a loud noise and had to quickly chase after the vacuum that was trailing a Barbie behind it. Now I’m incredibly ashamed to admit that my prized vacuum spends most of his time sleeping on his charger. I saw a ball of dog hair resting against the vacuum and lost my mind, “How can I be such a failure that I let the vacuum get dirty?”
Listen For the Other Voice
But, while my anxiety critic took shots at my housekeeping skills and my person in general, there was another very quiet thought that kept repeating, “you’re tired.”
It took a while to hear it but once I did, I realized how right it was. I’m not lazy. I’m not a horrible human being. I’m simply a working mom with two tiny tornadoes that couldn’t care less how the house looks. They just want to play and have fun. My husband and I are doing the best we can.
That’s what I want you for you. Please stop letting your anxiety critic tell you how useless you are and look at yourself for what you REALLY are. You’re doing the best you can.
Progress is still progress no matter how slow it is. Don’t give up on any of your dreams even if one of them is simply a floor clear enough for a little vacuum to do his job.
Remember Your Awesomeness
One thing you could do is get a whiteboard so that you can write goals down. Make them small and attainable at first. Write encouraging notes/affirmations so that you have those reminders whenever you get discouraged. Sticky notes work well, too. You can put them wherever you want so that you have constant reminders of how amazing you are.
Another good way to fight insecurities is to journal. Write about your fears, your hopes, and your dreams. Make it a safe place to write what you love about yourself. Brag a little. Remember it’s for your eyes only! Say what you want.
Reframing Your Negative Thoughts
Reframing thoughts is an incredible weapon to use against anxiety jealousy. My house isn’t as clean as my friend’s, but that doesn’t make me a failure. It simply means I don’t have the energy to put into cleaning as much as I would like to at the moment. My job takes a lot out of me. That’s okay.
Back to my terrible IV skills, they are no longer terrible. I’m actually pretty good at them. Yes, the other nurses were better than me when I started. But they also had to get to that point. No one is born able to start a flawless IV. Just because you’re not good at something now, doesn’t mean you’ll never be good at it. It gives me a lot of compassion and empathy for nurses that are still working towards being good at IVs.
Be Gentle with Yourself
You need to learn to be gentler with yourself while you’re running YOUR race. Celebrate progress, no matter how small it may seem to you. Keep taking those tiny baby steps and allow yourself to be proud of each and every one. Reframe your thoughts into ones that don’t shame you, but allow you grace and self-compassion.
Did you spend an hour scrolling through social media and now your anxiety is telling you what a lazy useless person you are? Reframe that thought into, “I needed the rest. Now I can be more productive since I allowed myself the rest.”
Always remember that your anxiety is lying to you. All the time. If you need help coping with anxiety, please see my post that focuses more on that.
How to Let Go of Jealousy
Crystal Raypole wrote an article for healthline.org on letting go of jealousy.
She talks about a sort of 12-step program to let go of that jealousy. First off, find out what makes you jealous and why. Are you jealous of your friend’s incredibly romantic boyfriend because your husband seems to have lost every ounce of romance? Does it make you worried that your friend’s boyfriend loves them more than your husband loves you? Think about what may be hiding behind your jealousy.
Always remember anxiety’s role in your jealousy. Anxiety jealousy wants to make you feel inferior to someone else, anyone else. Keep that in your mind when you’re doing your soul searching.
She gives a lot of great tips on managing jealousy, such as remembering your value. YOU are an amazing person all on your own. Think of the things you like about yourself, the things you do well, and everything that you’ve already accomplished in life. Be grateful for the good things in your life. There is always something to be grateful for.
Remember: People Only Allow You to See What They Want You To See
Just remember that people tend to showcase their very best side. Yes, your friend may love to brag about all the romantic things her new boyfriend does, but she may not tell you that he also expects her to cook dinner every night. It’s good to keep in mind that not everything is always as picture-perfect as it seems.
Crystal also advises that it’s good to talk to someone. Whether a therapist or a trusted friend, sometimes it’s good to get someone else’s opinion. Your jealousy may be skewing the real story and it’s helpful to see it from someone else’s viewpoint.
Practicing gratitude and mindfulness is another way to combat anxiety jealousy. Sure, there are things you want in life. We should never stop working towards our goals. But don’t forget to be grateful for all the blessings you have right now.
Your Anxiety Jealousy Critic is a Liar. You are Amazing
There are always going to be people that have what you want. I bet you have a lot of things that other people want. Life is never going to be perfect. You are never going to be perfect. NO ONE is perfect. Instead of trying to make yourself into this picture of perfection, embrace yourself as you are.
You can reach any of your dreams as long as you don’t allow yourself to give up. Anxiety jealousy is wrong. You are absolutely capable. Your life journey is your own and you need to show yourself the grace to allow you to reach your dreams. You can and you will!
All my love!