Okay guys, I know that there is no way that some of you will ever admit that you have anxiety. Why would you? It has been ingrained in our culture that men have to be always tough, always strong. The only emotion you’re allowed to express is anger. Anxiety in men? Isn’t that weakness? Who can admit that they’re worried or rather, even afraid? That’s what anxiety boils down to, fear of the unknown, fear of making mistakes, fear of never living up to what you think you should, or fear of anything in the future.
Here’s the thing though. EVERYONE gets anxious sometimes, but it has absolutely NOTHING to do with weakness. As a matter of fact, you’re stronger than most for living with it. But, the more you ignore it, the stronger it will get. It will get bigger than you can handle on your own.
Do you ever feel irrationally angry? Something happens that is, at most, a minor inconvenience and you suddenly want to punch through a wall. I would bet you dollars to donuts that some anxiety is at play. It just comes out as irritability or anger because that’s how you’ve been trained to deal with everything.
Anxiety in Men is More Common Than You Think!
I’m a nurse. I work with a very wide, diverse group of patients: young, old, men, women of all different races and socioeconomic classes. I’ve noticed a commonality in all my patients, however. Generally, anxiety is prevalent in everyone. Depression is, too, but that’s a post for a different day. Women tend to admit mental illness more easily than men, and for that reason is probably why the statistics show that women suffer more from it. But, I don’t think that’s true. Yes, lots of people are nervous in medical offices. Even more so for someone getting a colonoscopy (which is what we do in my office). As an anxious person that always loves to pretend that I’m NOT anxious, I can spot the signs a mile away.
Quick story. I was once getting a young guy (early 20’s) ready for his procedure. He was the picture of stoicism the entire time. When it was time to start his IV, his eyes widened for just a fraction of a second before his face smoothed back into his “tough guy” act. He nods with a super calm, “sounds good.” I ask him if he’s okay. He nods again.
All of our patients are on a cardiac monitor, and I can hear the beep of his heart rate creeping up as I put the tourniquet on. I keep up with the small talk, hoping to distract him. The IV poke was done quickly without incident. But he then said the thing that always breaks my heart. He apologized for being a baby.
Feelings are OKAY
No one should be made to feel like their feelings are embarrassing. This guy should have felt okay saying, “Needles make me nervous,” given that needle phobia is incredibly common. I’m not going to accuse any of you of having anxiety because evidently, it’s a sore subject for a lot of men. But, I am going to tell you (you as in a broad term for whoever MAY be reading this), it’s OKAY. You’re allowed to feel what you feel.
Don’t allow anxiety to ruin you with the result of you faking a version of yourself that you know deep down that you’re not. If you have anxiety, you need to accept that part of yourself. You may have gotten so good at hiding it that you’ve somehow convinced yourself that you don’t have it anymore. By continuing to push it so deep down, you’re actually allowing it to have much more power over you than it should. Let it out so that you can let it go.
Men and Stress
Ahh stress. The epidemic is seen more as a status symbol. If you’re not stressed, you’re obviously not working hard enough, right? Men are supposed to work themselves into the ground, aren’t they? The more hours they work, the more admired they are, right?
Can we PLEASE change that? Stress is not cool. Exhaustion is not admirable. It is KILLING us. All of us.
Yes, life is stressful, especially nowadays. But, that doesn’t mean you have to BE stressed all the time. That didn’t work out well for Jack in the Shining (“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”). However, stress is one of those “okayish” feelings for men because it means that they’re working hard. Stressed is the manly way to say anxious. It’s a lot easier to say, “I’m stressed about everything I have to do” instead of “I’m anxious I won’t get it done and I’ll fail.”
Find ways to cope with stress
There are a lot of easy, healthy ways to deal with stress. Take up a new hobby, get some exercise, blow off some steam, and ALLOW yourself to feel relief from it.
If you find some way to relieve stress, you may secretly resolve some of your anxiety as well. Try taking a walk around your neighborhood alone (or with a dog). You may be surprised at how much a little exercise and fresh air can improve your mood. It also helps to be alone with your thoughts. Let them come to the forefront of your mind so that you concurrently kick them out of there.
Anxiety, NOT weakness
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it time and time again. I HATE the mental health stigma. It is so hard to hear people say that mentally ill people are weak. They have no idea the amount of strength it takes to live life while mentally ill.
You are NOT weak for having anxiety. You are strong for living with anxiety. It takes incredible amounts of strength and courage to do the things that make you anxious. But, as long as there are ignorant people out there that think that mental illness equates to weakness, there are going to be people that suffer in silence because any sort of perceived weakness, especially for men, is not allowed.
Please, please, PLEASE let’s end that. Have the courage to tell someone that you’re feeling anxious. As a matter of fact, you might be surprised to hear a lot of other people admit that they’re anxious, too. You are no less courageous for fighting anxiety than the guy fighting a physical illness. There is no reason to hide it.
Lots of men have anxiety, they just don't want to admit it
It’s okay to have anxiety. Denying you have anxiety is not fair to you. You need support, and sometimes treatment. I read a great article by Jared Pistoia from Psych Central about how anxiety differs in men.
It talks about the dangerous stereotypes of masculinity, which don’t allow men to comfortably admit that they have anxiety. They are also less likely to get help and self-medicate.
Men and Panic Attacks
Panic attacks might be hard to identify at first. They are scary as hell. You can’t breathe. It feels like your heart is going to explode. It may feel like you’re actually having a heart attack, which increases your anxiety.
Sometimes it comes out as white-hot rage and you need to do something to relieve that feeling, whether it’s screaming, throwing something, or punching a wall (notice how I did NOT say hit someone, although you may want to, please don’t). I’ve beaten up my fair share of pillows.
Does that ever happen to you? Does something just send you right over the edge? It’s usually a tiny thing, like tripping over a shoe or misplacing your coffee cup. That angry outburst could be a panic attack in disguise.
It’s important for you to recognize them as that. That way you know that you’re not dying. You CAN calm yourself down. You need to breathe nice and slow. Remember that the next time you feel one coming on. You’re okay. Breathe. You’re in control. Breathe. This will pass. Breathe.
Anger And Anxiety
What about the irritability, hostility and just plain grumpiness you’ve been plagued with? Does it feel like you’re never in a good mood anymore? Is someone always asking you what’s wrong (which probably makes you grumpier)? I’m sure your spouse, family, friends and co-workers have noticed. Since anxiety in men is shunned in this broken world, it’s a whole lot easier to just be mad at the world. As I’ve said, it’s a lot more comfortable and socially acceptable to be angry than it is to be anxious.
The problem with being angry at the world is that not everyone in the world deserves your anger. No one likes a sour puss. I know, you can’t help how you feel, but are you sure that you’re feeling the right feelings? Are you really that angry? Did it really make you that mad that someone forgot to use their turn signal? Maybe not. You might not even be grumpy. Are you actually worried? Dare I say…anxious?
When to Seek Treatment
I hope that by now I’ve convinced at least one of you out there that anxiety may be playing a bigger role in your life than you’ve realized. There are ways to manage it on your own. I wrote a post on coping with anxiety that you could also read if you like. To sum it up though, take care of your physical self.
You need to eat well, drink water, exercise and sleep enough. Next, get all those feelings out. Talk. It doesn’t have to be to an actual person if you don’t feel comfortable with that yet. Talk to yourself when you’re in the car, talk to your dog, or write it out. Find some way to dig deep in your mind to get to the underlying stuff. You have anxiety and that’s okay. You’re going to be okay. If you’d rather write, here are a few “manly” journals I found on Amazon. While these are paid links (see note about commission at the top of the page), I researched the reviews to find the best ones I could.
There are a few red flags you should keep an eye out for. If you find yourself frequently self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, that’s a very slippery slope. Abusing yourself or a loved one is never okay. Feeling like you can’t cope with life anymore is dangerous. Suicidal thoughts are a medical emergency. If you find that any of these red flags hold true for you, you need some help. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it’s very brave.
I like to use the metaphor of a cop that’s trying to apprehend multiple felons. If he tries to arrest them all by himself, he may get one or two, but the rest are going to overpower him. If he calls in backup, does that make him less of a man? No, it makes him smart and, above all, will probably save his life. A mental help professional can give you the tools to cope with your illness so that you can get your life back.
You Deserve to Feel Better
If you’re still reading, yay! I didn’t lose you! To sum everything up, anxiety in men is more common than most realize. Society makes it harder with its “toughen up! Be a man!” slogan that little boys hear at a dangerously early age. Since boys are only allowed to feel anger, that’s how all feelings tend to manifest. But, if you dig down deep, past the anger, you might find that you have anxiety, depression, or both. Call it what it is so that it starts to loosen its grip on you. Burying it down deep is only going to make things worse.
You are NOT weak for having anxiety. It doesn’t make you any less of a man. Life is stressful and really freaking hard sometimes. The hard gets overwhelming. If you need help, get it. You deserve to have a life that’s filled with happiness. We need you to be okay!
All my love!