How do you even begin to fathom losing someone you love? Your world doesn’t make sense without this person, but somehow you have to accept that they’re just going to be gone? Forever? As the shock of this reality wears off, anticipatory grief sets in. You’re grieving not only for the person who is going to leave you soon but for the way you thought life would be. Devastation fights rage as this life with your loved one is being ripped away from you.
Anticipatory grief is just what it sounds like, anticipating life after your loved one dies. You’re anticipating the grief you’ll feel when they leave this world. While this post will focus on coping with the fact that a loved one will die, there are many other ways a person can experience anticipatory grief, such as receiving a terminal diagnosis. It can also happen with a big life change such as a divorce, loss of career, or children leaving the home.
How do I Even Begin to Think About Accepting this Loss?
A lot of people think that accepting the loss means that you’re giving up on the dying person. Guilt is one of the main symptoms of anticipatory grief. You may feel guilt for giving up hope that they’re somehow going to be saved. Guilt also comes from wanting your loved one to live, even if it means more suffering for them or, vice versa, wanting them to die so that they’re suffering ends.
As cliché as it sounds, anticipatory grief can be quite the roller coaster, even more so than the grief felt after death. There’s the lingering hope that a miracle will happen, then the devastation of realizing that it’s not going to happen. As they begin to deteriorate, you’ll feel everything from grief to anger to relief to anxiety.
What if I Don't Want to Remember My Loved One This Way?
When someone is getting close to death, it’s hard not to focus on their deterioration. In all honesty, sometimes I hate that the last memory I have of my mom is seeing her so weak that she couldn’t open her eyes. She struggled out the words, “I love you,” in a voice that barely resembled her singsong voice that had comforted me so many times before. But, when I start to feel sad that that is how she left this world, I remember that she still mustered up enough strength to say those precious words to her family. Her love was still there. She was still there.
Try to focus on the parts of your loved ones that are still there. Their love for you, their inordinate strength as they face the end of their life, and everything that makes them who they are is here. I know it hurts so much to watch parts of them fade away. But their love is only growing stronger for you.
In this wonderful article by Lynne Eldridge, MD from verywellhealth.com, it says that no matter how difficult it is to see your loved one this way, you are almost sure to regret it if you don’t. Just remember that even though their body is failing, their soul is still here. Their need to see you as much as they can is still very real.
I’m not trying to guilt trip you into seeing them when you don’t feel like you can. But I am trying to save you from the guilt you could feel if you don’t see them one last time.
How Do I Cope with Anticipatory Grief?
You need to be very gentle with yourself. Facing the death of someone you love so very much is one of the hardest things you will ever go through. Listen to yourself, if you need a break, please take one. Eat well, rest well and please take care of yourself.
When I worked in hospice, I met a lot of loved ones afraid to leave for even a minute, fearing their loved one would die alone. It seems that, for the most part, people pass on their own terms. I’ve seen people wait until everyone was there to die, but I’ve also seen it happen when their loved one stepped out to use the bathroom. If you’re loved one dies when you’re away, please remember that they probably wanted it that way, either to spare you the sight of their last breath or because they simply didn’t want anyone to see it happen. I know it’s hard not to feel guilty, but please try to assume that they wanted to go that way.
Coping with a loss that hasn’t happened yet is a complicated thing. On the verywellhealth.com article I mentioned earlier, it says that anticipatory grief means that you’re sort of in this limbo between holding on and letting go. I cannot stress enough that you NEED to let all those feelings out that come with being in limbo. Cry, scream, punch a pillow, do whatever you need to do to feel those feelings. Talk to a trusted friend who isn’t going to try to fix things, but allow you to vent. If you don’t feel up to talking, journaling can be a great way to get those feelings out of your head.
Be sure you’re allowing people to help you in any way they can. It may feel burdensome to you but could be a great comfort to them to be able to do SOMETHING to help you. Allow them to do something as simple as bringing a meal. Or maybe they could sit with your loved one while you take a break so that you don’t feel like they’re alone.
How Can I Create Memories or a Memorial?
If anything positive comes from such a terrible time, it’s the fact that your loved one is still here. You can do things together that can create memories for long after they’re gone.
Plant a tree together
If you’re loved one is able, take him or her to a special place where you can plant a tree together. It can be your own personal memorial site that you can visit after their death to remember that special moment together. You could come back as often as you’d like to see how the tree has grown and changed while you update your loved one on your life, reminisce, or simply sit and allow yourself to miss them. While you could also do this at their official memorial site, it would be nice to have a private place as well.
Journal together
I know I already shared some journals earlier. You could easily use them as a joint journal or get one for each of you so that you both have a private space to share the onslaught of feelings you’re both having. There are also workbooks to work on together or by yourselves. Your loved one could fill out a journal or workbook for you to read after they’re gone.
Scrapbooking
Looking through old pictures is always a great way to think about the time you’ve had together. Making them into a scrapbook will not only keep the pictures safe, but be a lasting memorial. You could even display it at the funeral/funeral home/celebration of life to share with others. Don’t be afraid to show your emotions as you work on this together. Thinking about these happy times coming to an end isn’t fair. There’s nothing easy about it. But, you’re going to have the memories of working together on it and that can bring you some comfort later. Laugh, cry, and support each other.
Put together a time capsule
If your loved one is able, maybe they could write some letters to you and some of their other loved ones. You could help them pick out a few pictures and possessions to put into a time capsule. You could bury it somewhere or simply put it in a safe place. Have your loved one decide when to open it again. The one-year anniversary of their death? Their birthday? 10 years from the day you put it together? Whatever feels right to your loved one.
Sing
While my voice would probably bring more suffering than comfort, you may have a beautiful singing voice. Sing some songs of comfort and/or their favorite songs. Did you know that hearing was the last sense to go? Take comfort in the fact that you provided them with comfort, company and, most importantly, love in their last moments.
Read
Much like singing, reading out loud to them can bring a lot of comfort. It could be their favorite books or books/stories you’d like to share with them. If you’re religious, reading scripture from the Bible could be a great consolation to them. Even in their last moments, they’ll know you’re with them. They will love to hear your voice.
Pray
Speaking of scripture, if you are a religious person, pray and pray often. Pray for comfort for your loved one. Pray for all those that love them. Put your trust in the fact that God will take care of them and guide you through the storm of grief. Always remember that He loves you!
Plan the funeral
If your loved one is still responsive, it may be a good idea to do the very difficult, yet important, work of planning the funeral together. It might give you both some comfort that you get to do this together. Are there poems/scripture/songs they’d like? Would they like to write a letter themselves for all those left behind? Allow the both of you to share feelings of grief and love. Be sure to incorporate as much laughter as you can, even when the weight of grief will be heavy for you both. You could also include other loved ones in this planning. If you’re both comfortable with it, turn it into a party of sorts. How great would it be to have a celebration of life while they’re still here?
What do I Say to My Loved One?
Now this can be a very difficult thing for a lot of people. What do you say? Is there something you should NOT say? What if you break down and make them feel worse? But if you don’t appear sad enough, THAT’S going to make it worse?
While you’re dealing with your anticipatory grief, remember that they’re also dealing with theirs. Don’t be afraid to talk about it with them. It will probably be quite comforting to them to get their fears out in the open. Let them take the lead in the conversation and offer comfort where you can. If they’re a young parent, reassure them that you will watch out for their children. They could be worried about what will happen to their pets/house/business/etc. While you can’t simply step into their life, you can be sure to try to ensure that their wishes are honored.
Share memories
Reminiscing is always safe. Talk about the fun times you’ve had or the silly moments you can remember. Laughter is going to be good for both of you. Ask them to share stories. They have an entire life of memories they want to get out.
Silence is okay, too. I know that it may seem kind of awkward, especially if they’re too weak to talk, but just be there. Hold their hand if you’re both comfortable with that. Don’t be afraid to cry. Be gentle with yourself and remember that you’re dealing with an impossible situation. You’re doing the best you can and nothing has to be perfect.
For the most part, there aren’t a lot of “wrong” things to say. Try to stay away from false reassurances that they’ll be okay or that they can still beat this. As the article from verywellhealth.com says, they want to see you, not a fake version. Be the person that they love, not some stiff awkward version. Nothing about this terrible scenario is comfortable, but just be the real you.
How do I say Goodbye?
There’s nothing easy about this. Saying goodbye to a precious loved one is agonizing, unfair, and just plain wrong. That being said, there are a few things you should both get off your chest (if possible) to help you both get the closure you’ll both need. It will help you prepare yourself as best you can and give them comfort. If you need more help with grief, please check out this post I wrote on the grieving process.
Love
If you’re dealing with anticipatory grief, that means that there’s a whole lot of love between you and the dying person. Don’t be afraid to tell them how much you love them. Allow them to tell you what you mean to them. Even if this type of “mushy” talk has made either of you uncomfortable before, it’s something that you need to say to each other now, before you lose your chance.
Forgiveness
No one is perfect. There is almost always something that you’ve needed their forgiveness for and vice versa. If it’s a parent that’s dying, this could go back to your childhood. You may want forgiveness for actually being the person who scratched their prized car when you took it out on a secret road trip. They may want forgiveness for throwing out the box of baseball cards that may have made you rich today. You may want to forgive them for something they didn’t even know they did. Get it out in the open while you can. Forgive each other.
Permission
You’re never going to be ready for the end of a life you love so much. The person dying may feel like they can’t leave you until they know that you’ll be okay. That’s why, as horribly heartbreaking as it is, it’s important for you to give them permission to go. Let them know how much you’ll miss them, that they will never be forgotten, but you will live on. Because you love them, you don’t want them to suffer anymore. As painful as it is, tell them that it’s okay to let go.
Anticipatory Grief: Your First Stage
The sad truth is that it doesn’t matter how much you prepare yourself. No amount of reflection, soul searching, time spent reminiscing, forgiveness, or permission is going to make saying goodbye any easier. I’m so sorry to say that it’s still going to hurt, probably more than you think it will. Nothing can prepare you for that last breath. Anticipatory grief may have given you a head start on your grieving journey, but the grief will follow you. Just try to hold on to the fact that they’re suffering is over, even if yours has just begun. All I can offer you at this point is the most sincere condolences that you’ve had to read this.
-All my love!